Seriously, Why Can't I?: August 2009

Monday Funnies

The Fart Box

So Cheese is in the tub, I am keeping her company battling with the horrendous "fishing boat" wallpaper border left over from the last owners of our house.
She looks up at me and says, "Mommy did I tell you about my Fart box?"
I look over and she is holding up the Tupperware container that was intended to hold her barbies on the side of the tub. Before I had a chance to digest her words...
"This is how it works". She holds Tupperware over her bottom and of course farts on command (how do they do that anyway?) and then picks it up to smell inside the box to make sure she caught it. "See, a fart box."

Other funnies:

"Are we going to stay at the Queen Latifa Inn?"
"No honey, it is the La Quinta Inn, and probably not"... Mac

"Can ants swim in puddles?"... Cheese

"Don't throw food on my plate if you don't want it", as I am in mid-chuck tossing the tomatoes back on to Mac's plate. (do as I say not as I do)

"MapQuest really needs to start their directions of #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of the neighborhood" ...Unnamed

"There is no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far." ...Unnamed

Happy Monday, may you make bad decisions, but know that those make the best stories.

My jaw hurts... and I am out $600 bucks.

So I started this blog yesterday after my root canal and a vicodin... I became a little "groggy" so will wrap it up today.

A root canal. Those three words can make anyone cringe. For me it conjures up a dirty homeless person who doesn't take care of their teeth. I mean only someone that has lost their confidence, their house, their car, their family and their toothbrush, could allow such a thing horrendous thing. Yet here I am, a "moderately" (if you don't count the 3 milkshakes I have had these last two days) healthy young woman, with three toothbrushes, a couple of flavors of mouthwash and a viable reel of dental floss, getting the old one- two root canal crown combo.

And I gotta tell ya, it wasn't pretty. You know after having kids I seem to measure all pain and uncomfortable situations to labor. I kinda figure if I can push two small seven inch round heads of of a one inch hole, then I can handle pretty much anything. And I today while in the dentist's chair I kept having to remind myself. "OK T, you can do this just a little longer, don't worry your tongue is not going be permanently glued to the roof of your mouth, you are going to be able to swallow soon, the drill is definitely not going to hit your jaw bone, and you will get a chance to reach up and wipe the drool off your chin once this is over-- suck it up girl you have had two babies...you can handle this".

All of this after a pretty wonderful morning. It was picture day for Mac and Cheese...so I sent them to school looking ever so glam. I have to admit I was feeling pretty good about myself, no real battles to speak of for having two little girls with attitude. I mean nothing like the battles we had on picture day when I was a kid--just suffice it to say I had long thick hair, my mom had a one of those curling iron brushes, and scissors usually came into play. Which is why in most of my school pics I have my hair in barrettes, because one side was ALWAYS shorter than the other. So again, feeling pretty good about the day ahead, kids were off and I was actually on time to the dentist. And today I brought my secret weapon, my ipod.

At first it wasn't so bad, admittedly the ipod was a brilliant touch. I was almost actually enjoying myself. There was no place I had to be, my out of office email was turned on, and I was comfortable in my "reclining" chair, just me and my music. I even was chuckling to myself when "Baby Got Back" came on, dancing in my head...staying very still on the outside. When bang my mouth finally joined the party.

Hey, wait, I felt that, ouch, and that. Holy cow, did the Novocain actually wear off? Certainly it couldn't that quickly I was only 6 songs in to my appointment. What was Dr. Doom and the Black Mantra actually doing to me? All the sudden I became much more aware of my surroundings everything began to hurt... my teeth, my jaw, my back and the feeling in my fingers from holding on so tight to the chair. What was even more disturbing was the songs that started playing while I was being drilled to death. It started with Linkin Park and "Bleed it Out" and followed with Queen "Under Pressure", after that I think I blacked out...

Finally it was over, the demolition duo was finished battling their way through my mouth. And I hobbled ever so slowly over to the receptionist... my shirt was wet from drool, my fingertips numb and little pieces of tooth in my hair. I had been defeated. My wit, my confidence, my great day and the feeling in the right side of my mouth were all LOST. As I reached over the counter for a pen, I am pretty sure I mumbled out loud (out of the left side of my mouth, of course), "that is the worse $600 I have ever spent." To that the receptionist gave me a smile and a appointment card... "see you in two weeks." WHAT? I know she has nothing to do with the one of the most uncomfortable mornings in my life, but I wanted to throw my ipod at her head...I mean seriously why can't I?

To give credit where credit is due...this post was inspired by a funny and fantastic letter I read from a fellow blogger Michelle to her husband. Without giving too much away it starts...Thank you for putting your dirty dishes on the counter above the dishwasher you romantic fool!

Here is my love note...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love how thou leavest thy socks in the couch cushions each night as a little gift to nurture my senses.

I love how thou leavest water all over the bathroom counter and your towel in a ball for me to pickest up after you shave.

I love how your flip flops stay in the middle of the room for days at a time as a reminder of you, each time I trip over them.

I love how you start a load of laundry before you leave for work and commit me to spend my day finishing it, instead of the uneventful plans I had for that day.

I love how you allow me to be your soux chef when you cook but give me the independence to cook on my own.

I love how you empty your receipts on our dresser with your spare change, just so later I can actually put them away where in the jar above the dresser.

But I really do love and appreciate you for the other more important things that you do...

How thou bringest me the newspaper in the morning and lay thy next to my coffee maker.

How you take the time to call me just after leaving the house if only to say that you love me.

And I love you most for your tolerance and understanding.

How I spent my Lazy Sunday…from Pine Cones to Easter Eggs…

Normally Sundays around the Cheese house is pretty lazy. We like to stay in our PJs catch up on the word jumbles we missed during the week. Watch a movie or two. Not this Sunday--this Sunday I spent my lazy afternoon going toe to toe with the wall paper border in my master bathroom. I have been putting off this task for weeks, this and a pending root canal. But I couldn’t stand it any longer. I found it confusing to wash my face in two geographic regions every night before bed: the beach and the forest. It was hard to feel the calmness of the palm trees pictured on my walls without the TACKY ASS PINE CONE wallpaper border coming into view. Friends, this was not your average run of the mill straight lines 6 in thick wall border. But wall paper actually shaped as pine cones, each individually dropping from the ceiling in all of their sticky sappy glory. Hey, we all have our own tastes, and if I bought a log cabin in the woods in say North Carolina I may have chosen something similar … OK maybe not. I know they say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but the last tenants of this house must have thought that deer antlers and moose motiffs were a site for sore eyes. Judge for yourself.

So I begin my task and start to free the bathroom of this cabin crap and its shame…I am dumbfounded to see that these pine tree lovin’ people, glued on the wall border on first THEN painted around it. So now I am struggling with both cheap wall glue and paper that had been adhered under a coat of olive green paint. If you have ever stripped wall paper, you feel my pain. Yes, I realize that I am only peeling a border, I cannot imagine if I had to peel the entire wall. Actually I can imagine, and I wouldn’t be doing it. I would instead take a road trip down to the border and load up a couple of “day laborers” in the back of my minivan, pay them each $50 and a case of Orange Fanta to do it for me.

So where the Big Cheese was during the ordeal? Laughing his ass off that’s where. No, he was at work, but I still felt his presence, snickering and smirking over my shoulder. A little voice in the back of my head, “This is what you get for all of those half baked schemes (sponge painting the bathroom red) and thousands of holes you have put in our houses in the past.” So I guess I am a bit notorious for having little patience when it comes to home improvement tasks, I am more a big picture kind of gal. When I want to hang something I “eyeball it", lick my finger, place it on the wall where I want the nail and ta- da , done. If I have to measure distance I just spread open my arms wide and I use the grease from my forehead to mark my nail spot- just a little head bump is all it takes. I mean, who needs a measuring tape or a pencil? I am pretty sure my arm span is 3 to 4 feet in width, and if the pictures or curtain rod comes out crooked, toilet paper works great if you ball it up and stuff it where you need it. And the red paint and a sponge...it seemed a good idea at the time, the first wall looked great, but the other three, well let's just say I got a little bored. But I digress.

Today my punishment definitely DID not fit the crime. So "I" spent "my" lazy Sunday afternoon trudging in Satan’s forest equipped with only a spray bottle of vinegar & water, a old brown towel and the mouth of a sailor. (I would have made Jeremy Piven blush, I was so livid). And this is what my bathroom looks like now, not to mention that it smells like a giant Easter Egg. Where on earth do I go from here? Maybe I'll grab another sponge... I mean Seriously Why Can’t I ?

Monday Funnies

23 Activities...

So I am sitting at my computer this week, minding my own business, cup of coffee in hand, looking ever so smart and businessey (yes I know that's not a word) in my glasses. And I am working hard. "Pop" out of nowhere comes this email article. 23 activities that burn 100 calories…

I pick up my laptop to look under it for a hidden camera, how dare I get this email sent direct to me. How do "they" know that I have been sitting on my ass for weeks. Whose last ditch effort to get me up and "burning calories". And then I look at the title again. "23 Activities". Seriously 23, not 25 or 20, but 23, what an odd number. Couldn't they make up another two so it sounded better? So I start to read these suggested activities thinking what a huge waste of time. And then I become even more annoyed that I have spent so much time reading this lame article. To make it worth my while, I decided to improvised their list and came up with my own.

1. Jog around the neighborhood for 10 minutes. Or if you load up your kids red wagon with ice and beer you can just pull it down three houses for five minutes and get the same work out, plus you will build your biceps lifting and drinking.

2. Jump rope for 10 minutes. This makes me laugh, let's say I do make the rope go around once, OK maybe 3 times before I trip then I start over. The only calories I will burn with be the 8 it takes to hurl the jump rope across the room while yelling at the top of my lungs. "Stuuppiidd AAAsss PiEECe of SHIiittt Brrrokkenn Juummpp Roooppee!"

3. Climb up and down the stairs for 15 minutes. Which is fine if you don't have A-D-D. You climb up- and see a pillow out of place so you straighten it, then you walk by the bathroom and see a towel on the floor- so you put it up, but realize that it smells so you start a load of laundry, the cat litter is in the laundry so you change it. Then down the stairs...now what was I doing again?

4. Go roller-skating for 20 minutes. I would rather be death rolled by crocodile, what is this 1981?

5. Ride a bicycle for 10 minute (power style!) vs. what not power style? I mean every time I get on a bike I am powering through it.

6. Skip for 15 minutes (You’re never too old to skip!) Oh, yes you are. The only was this could be sort of cool was if you were in a costume wearing ruby red shoes, and that is almost creepy.

7. 20 minutes of Housework- did they have to add the Housework? Like we would set aside a special 20 minutes for our "housework workout". Sure, I'll make a DVD, how to "Pledge with Power"

8. Paint a room in your home for 30 minutes. (Pain 5 Rooms and you’ll burn 500 calories- Are they giving up already, we're only on #8 and they put painting on the list, seriously?

9. Turn up the music and dance for 20 minutes- Ahh, yes, FINALLY one that makes sense

I won't list all 23 (stupid number) here, but I thought of one more of my own.

10. Take a trip to WalMart- Start in the cosmetics, then head to electronics for nothing particular and then slowly meander through the shoes (OK I admit, I like to look at the shoes, not saying I am buying them just looking through them). Oh shit, I forgot to get a birthday card- so run there. Crap, I forgot toothpaste so I lightly jog to the way other side of the store, then back to the cereal aisle. And closing the 3 hours trip with a stroll down the freezer/ cold section for some much needed beer. Before I know it I have burnt well over 100 calories and even lost some water weight as I have peed my pants a little because I couldn't stop for one minute to go to the bathroom during all the "fun".

High Tide!

So many of my girlfriends, like me, are going through some changes. As military wives, we drop albeit temporarily our ambitions, our friends and our family for a ride high above hanging onto the cape of our "Superhero". In fact, back at the Hall of Justice you may refer to us as the "Queens of Transition" and our kids the "Children of Adaptability" as we fight the unfamiliar and unknown one city at a time. As time passes we do reconnect with our friends, our family and even our ambitions. However, lucky for us not only to we reconnect but we replenish. We get to meet NEW people (aka kick ass girlfriends), we get to travel to some WONDERFUL places and although we don't realize it at the time, we become a part of a much bigger community. It's a great life I'll tell ya, but one that definitely comes with some small sacrifices.
That being said I found this really great quote out of Oprah's magazine (love her)-- it has been stuck to my dressor mirror for the past three weeks for me to reflect upon each morning, ahhhh. Well, OK, really it has been stuck in my mirror and has folded over on itself so I have been looking at the other side of the article each morning at what Queen Latifah has on her ipod "playlist" (if you are curious she likes Beyones, some Quintet that plays jazz and Common- who?). Any way here you go...

Every one of us is called upon, probably many times, to start a new life.
A frightening diagnosis, a marriage, a move, a loss of a job...
And onward full tilt we go, pitched and wrecked and absurdly resolute, driven in spite of everything to make good on a new shore.
To be hopeful, to embrace one possibility after another- that is surely the basic instinct...Crying out: High tide!
Time to move out into the glorious debris. Time to take THIS life for what it is.

- Barbara Kingsolver, from High Tide in Tucson

When the cats away...the mouse has full control of the remote.

OK so hubby is out for the week, and I have to admit I am a little excited at the prospect of having full control of the tube. Since moving to our new place I have rarely gotten in an hour of TV. If it is on it normally toggles between Nickelodeon or the Disney channel... yes I know all of the words to the iCarly theme song, who doesn't? The cat on vacation also means grocery store sushi for dinner with a side of frozen edamame, a glass of wine before bed and pay per view nude shows. OK, if you know me than you know that I don't really watch porn, but I am always up for a RealSex HBO Special while the Big Cheese is away. One because I can't certainly watch "those shows" with him here without him expecting an encore. And two, I find them truly facinating. Me likey the HBO...I mean between the RealSex and True Blood I am one fat happy tipsy mouse. And that's all I have to say about that.

Sunday Comics...

Here are some bits you may not know about me (or want to) and a funny Cheese story:

Sometimes when I sneeze I pee in my pants.

Every time I see a Starbucks I think I smile a little.

Favorite word this week: Buttocks- especially if you say it out loud with a southern accent, like Forrest Gump "butt-ocks"

Profession(s) I would love: 1. Author, but would want a nice payment upfront for a book then have a year to actually write it. 2. A Barista or 3. A wine sommelier. Wouldn't that be cool to be a wine sommelier. Walking around each night spouting off nonsense about the wine choices people were making. I would carry around a glass and be like, "hey let me taste some of that, oh yes, you made a good decision."

Profession I would like least: Accountant

Thing that most disturbed me lately: Penn and Teller’s show Bullshit. They dedicated an entire show on "going organic". Did you know that growing organic produce actually takes more resources and land than growing normal produce?

My favorite curse word: Shit- without a doubt. Although yesterday, I mouthed the word F**k right in front of Mac after I thought she broke my computer. Bad mother moment.

Every time I jump on the trampoline I DO pee my pants.

Movies I will watch over and over and will cry EVERY time I see them: The Color Purple, Steel Magnolias & E.T— you know that part where he is laying on the bathroom floor all white and shit and is reaching out to the Mom who just screams and runs away. Now if my girls brought home an alien I would stock the house with Reeces Pieces and make a nice comfy bed for it.

I consider myself a liberal, mostly because I am overly empathetic. But when it comes to my family, I have mostly conservative views-- so I am a hybrid. With the exception of the second ammendment, I think all guns should be destroyed and replaced with tasers.

I dream every night (in color) and I hate that once I wake up I can't get the dream back. I rarely ever dream of my family and never my kids. But I always dream about celebrities. I have had great conversations with Jennifer Anniston, Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman (when they were together) and I once road in a Soap Box Derby Car with Fred Savage from the Wonder Years.

I have been to over 24 countries. Our most memorable was a drive through France and Germany during the Wine Festival season. It was unplanned and unorganized, and if it weren’t for our GPS I would have left my husband on a dirt road in France. But it was the best trip ever-- sometimes the best are the least expected.

And a funny story...this morning Cheese was eating her Banana Cream Pie yogurt, (don't judge I know it was pie flavored and she was having it for breakfast but it was Banana.) So I look over and she is sharing it with the cat, and Ella is licking it right out of the container.
Me: "Cheese do not share your breakfast with the cat."
She looks over and says, "Mom do cats actually lick their butts?"
Me: "Of course they do honey".
Cheese: "Ok then I'm done with this, can I have some cereal instead?"

You've Got a Friend in Me...

So I am back on the market once again...don't worry the Big Cheese and I are doing great, it is not a man I am looking for, this week I am looking for a friend. Namely, a local gal pal that I can shop, eat and drink with. Not just any friend mind you, I have high standards for the Shirley to my Laverne. Not only does this gal has to be able to drop $100 bucks on frivolous things at the TJ Maxx, but she also has to be able to walk into a Goodwill and not be grossed out by the smell. Also she has to be able hit a burger joint and put down a cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake and not throw up afterwards. And most importantly she has to be to polish off a bottle of wine without taking off her clothes and drunk dialing her ex-boyfriend from college.

While I wait for that perfect friend to walk up my driveway, because I am spending my time here online instead of going out to actually meet people, I have thought hard about what would my classified ad would say if I could put one in the paper. Of course, without looking like a complete loser? I'll start with the most popular, Looking for: Single White Female. Wait, actually she doesn't have to be single or white. She could be married, divorced, gay, black, brown or orange...so instead it will say Female. Because really the only physical requirement is that she has to have a vagina. OK next, personal issues--sure. She would have to have someone in her life that makes her crazy. It could be the neighbor's dog for all I care, as long as she also has someone to bitch about. On the other hand, she can't have too many problems, I am not looking to be a therapist. So will change that to: Female, with some issues but not that many. An eye for fashion is a plus, not an out and out requirement, but I cannot hang with a chick who thinks her Gloria Vanderbilts (circa 1984) are still a fashion "Do". Furthermore, if she can still fit into her jeans from 1984 that automatically excludes her anyway, skinny bitch. Onto appearance, well I like to say that doesn't matter, but I know what I like, and if her hair is broken off at the roots or if she is still growing out those "sun-in" streaks that she put in last summer, that simply won't work. Likes and dislikes, doesn't matter, actually the less we have in common, the better, at least our conversations will not find their way to awkward pauses. So basically my add would read: Female seeks Female with annoying people in her life. Appreciates shoes, designer jeans and hairdressers, able to hold her liquor but not hold on to her past.

Or wouldn't it be great if there was a website similar to Match.com that I could list all of my requirements and only cool chicks could apply? We could all meet for drinks and a little speed dating. Give me fifteen minutes and fifteen potential gal pals I would date through them like Kobayashi and a plate of hot dogs. My method: word association... beer: love it, jeans: all the time, wine: with dinner, shoes: lots, poker: hell yeah, books: of course, travel: whenever I get a chance.

However, since speed dating for friends is not an option and I would offend most people (including myself) with a classified ad, I guess I will have to go back to basics. I supposed the most reasonable way to meet people would be to hang out in the school parking lot after school. This week I brought a six pack of beer with me each afternoon. It wasn't well received, at least not by the other moms. Maybe they don't start drinking until after five, who knows. However, on the plus side I did meet some really nice construction workers and I am sure their wives are really nice. Oh and now I now have some great leads for when I need to finish my basement. But next week, I think I will work on a more direct approach. Maybe I will find a nice car in the parking lot, sit on the hood and wait for a mom to show (I will bring just two beers one for her and one for me). I will say something like, "Hi, I am new to the neighborhood, here's your beer...I like to eat, drink, shop and play poker, I wrote about YOU in my blog today...do you want to be friends?"

I mean Seriously, Why Can't I?

Welcome to the jungle...

So it is official...both girls are now completely immersed into the Public School System. I won't bore you with the morning details but suffice it to say there was one time out, an explosion of oatmeal, a full blown hissy fit and at least one mumbled "I hate school" between the hours of 7am and 8am. OK so Cheese is only in half day kindergarten, but I didn't let it ruin my morning buzz, actually last year's preschool was longer...but something about this morning was wonderfully different. I may have gone a little overboard when I dressed the girls in matching shirts (they were different colors- but it will definitely warrant a couch session when Mac gets older). They looked absolutely adorable as they walked hand in hand into those gymnasium doors. One glance over the shoulder and a thumbs up and I started towards my three hours of freedom.

Sure on the outside I was calm, cool and collected, just a pleasant smile on my face as I floated through the parking lot toward my van. However, inside I was having a dance party, popping, locking and polka dotting. I actually thought about dancing the first sixteen counts to Michael Jackson's "Beat It", I mean who knows maybe some of the other parents would have joined in. On the other hand, there was a chance that I would be dancing by myself and I didn't want to start of the school year being stereotyped as the loony mom with no bra moon walking in the parking lot just yet.

All was going well, or so I thought, I jumped into the mini-van and turned on the radio. And then it came, the guilt exploded over me like a mentos in a 2 liter of diet coke. I turned up the music to hear Welcome to the Jungle by Guns-n-Roses. I thought of my little Cheese, all three feet, 40 lbs of her, battling her way along with the other monkeys, lions and tigers in her own concrete jungle. Did we teach her the right survival skills to make it a day, a week, a month without a guide? Should I have stayed around a little longer and made sure her compass pointed the right direction? I guess only time will tell, sooner or later we all have to let go...one safari adventure at a time. So tomorrow I may stick around a little longer and make sure she has a walking stick and a good can of bug repellent...I mean seriously why can't I?

Funny, Delicious, Beautiful...

Every day you should have one funny, one delicious and one beautiful thing to share. So will try this again:

Funny- Yesterday Ava and I were making a collage. Actually it started when she threw herself on the floor of my office, and attempted to make a carpet angel. She was throwing a fit, exclaiming that I never play with her. Riddled with guilt
we cracked into the arts & craft bin and started cutting out some pictures from magazines to make our own "inspiration boards", another topic. She was gluing all of her favorite things onto her collage: a pic of a dog, some shoes, a tub of ice cream a piece of fruit, etc. And "look" she says, there is Ella's (the cat's) eye booger, I just glued it on my picture so if anyone asks if I have a pet I can show them the eye booger." Low an behold she has taken the cat's eye goop out of her eye and pasted it to her paper with her purple glue stick. Yuck!

Delicious- Backyard camp out, complete with fire pit. Can you say SMORE...first you take the graham, cover it with the chocolate and then place the 'mallow on top. Pure genius.

Beautiful- We landscaped our yard, it was horrendous and the whole way through I kept thinking of Carrie Bradshaw...I am not sure why, sure I watch TBS at night and catch an episode every now and again...but I kept thinking "if I lived in Manhattan I wouldn't have a yard to landscape". "Carrie would never be on her knees with her boobs falling out of her shirt digging holes in the ground". "The first landscaping truck that drives by, I will flag down and write them a check". BUT when we were finished my front yard looked beautiful. Because we did it with our own two hands. Carrie can have NYC, I take my house in the burbs.

New Online Toy & Some Friday Fun

Find me on Polyvore

Surfing the net I found this great site called Polyvore, actually I found it listed on the Yellow Ribbons Blog...and it is so much fun. This is just my first attempt-- admittedly it is a little hoochie. I used Peg Bundy as my inspiration.

On a totally separate note, I found another great site, www.yeahdave.com, he was the guest speaker on a podcast I listened too on the 18 hour trip to C. Springs. He says that everyday you should list find the following three things:

1- Something funny
2- Something beautiful
3- Something delicious

So starting with yesterday August 7,2009...

1- Funny- Cheese wrapping up the cat in bubble wrap and asking me for the tape
2- Beautiful- the weather last evening was beautiful, windy, but warm, perfect weather for jeans and flip flops
3- Delicious- I mixed cake batter ice cream with chocolate chip cookie dough after downing a glass of wine

Popular Posts