Saturday, December 3, 2011

Please take off that Reindeer Sweater...

As we stumble head first into the Christmas season looking back over our shoulder at Thanksgiving sporting a substantial muffin top, we wonder begin to wonder how in the hell did we get here already? Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season, the anticipation for the big guy and all that Christmas entails. However, I find myself in a cynical place when it comes to Christmas fashion. Why is it instead of rejoicing in my fellow wo/man and their Christmas "spirit" I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "take off that F*&ing reindeer sweater!!"

Some of my other pet peeves during this tacky, yet love your fellow man holiday season...

Santa hats- They look ridiculous on EVERYONE. You could put a Santa hat on a bare-chested, Matthew McC (my number one), and he could ask me to join him in Fiji for a week in his best southern drawl. But if he is wearing that velvet monstrosity upon his beautiful crown, I will have to pass on principle alone. Well, not before taking a picture as proof.

Christmas lights- Beautiful in your yard or in your house. However, your sweater should not light up, your earrings should not light up, your necklace should not light up- NOTHING. You know who you are...take that shit off and hang it on your tree.

Bells- Mildly annoying, regardless, unless in a bell tower. But these should never be on your person. Not on your shoes or tied around you waist or at the top of the Santa hat you are wearing (that my friends could earn you a punch in the face.) Plus let's face it nobody wants to hear you coming.

Let's just put it this way, you tacky pieces of shit "spirited" people, if an ELF considers it a part of their wardrobe than maybe you should NOT. Now go out and get looped on spiked egg- nog, you have my permission.

UPDATE: Accepted: Santa hats when worn to deliver good cheer, especially when worn by men delivering candy canes in the hospital to all men, women and children. Thank you guys!!!

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