Thursday, August 20, 2009

23 Activities...

So I am sitting at my computer this week, minding my own business, cup of coffee in hand, looking ever so smart and businessey (yes I know that's not a word) in my glasses. And I am working hard. "Pop" out of nowhere comes this email article. 23 activities that burn 100 calories…

I pick up my laptop to look under it for a hidden camera, how dare I get this email sent direct to me. How do "they" know that I have been sitting on my ass for weeks. Whose last ditch effort to get me up and "burning calories". And then I look at the title again. "23 Activities". Seriously 23, not 25 or 20, but 23, what an odd number. Couldn't they make up another two so it sounded better? So I start to read these suggested activities thinking what a huge waste of time. And then I become even more annoyed that I have spent so much time reading this lame article. To make it worth my while, I decided to improvised their list and came up with my own.

1. Jog around the neighborhood for 10 minutes. Or if you load up your kids red wagon with ice and beer you can just pull it down three houses for five minutes and get the same work out, plus you will build your biceps lifting and drinking.

2. Jump rope for 10 minutes. This makes me laugh, let's say I do make the rope go around once, OK maybe 3 times before I trip then I start over. The only calories I will burn with be the 8 it takes to hurl the jump rope across the room while yelling at the top of my lungs. "Stuuppiidd AAAsss PiEECe of SHIiittt Brrrokkenn Juummpp Roooppee!"

3. Climb up and down the stairs for 15 minutes. Which is fine if you don't have A-D-D. You climb up- and see a pillow out of place so you straighten it, then you walk by the bathroom and see a towel on the floor- so you put it up, but realize that it smells so you start a load of laundry, the cat litter is in the laundry so you change it. Then down the what was I doing again?

4. Go roller-skating for 20 minutes. I would rather be death rolled by crocodile, what is this 1981?

5. Ride a bicycle for 10 minute (power style!) vs. what not power style? I mean every time I get on a bike I am powering through it.

6. Skip for 15 minutes (You’re never too old to skip!) Oh, yes you are. The only was this could be sort of cool was if you were in a costume wearing ruby red shoes, and that is almost creepy.

7. 20 minutes of Housework- did they have to add the Housework? Like we would set aside a special 20 minutes for our "housework workout". Sure, I'll make a DVD, how to "Pledge with Power"

8. Paint a room in your home for 30 minutes. (Pain 5 Rooms and you’ll burn 500 calories- Are they giving up already, we're only on #8 and they put painting on the list, seriously?

9. Turn up the music and dance for 20 minutes- Ahh, yes, FINALLY one that makes sense

I won't list all 23 (stupid number) here, but I thought of one more of my own.

10. Take a trip to WalMart- Start in the cosmetics, then head to electronics for nothing particular and then slowly meander through the shoes (OK I admit, I like to look at the shoes, not saying I am buying them just looking through them). Oh shit, I forgot to get a birthday card- so run there. Crap, I forgot toothpaste so I lightly jog to the way other side of the store, then back to the cereal aisle. And closing the 3 hours trip with a stroll down the freezer/ cold section for some much needed beer. Before I know it I have burnt well over 100 calories and even lost some water weight as I have peed my pants a little because I couldn't stop for one minute to go to the bathroom during all the "fun".


Michelle said...

The funniest thing I've read all day! Found you via The Hossman Chronicles! Now I'm off to skip while I clean the house,..double calories!

Uptown Girl said...

Great post... I think burned loads of calories by using my computer mouse to wander over to your blog. And I can feel the burn while I type this comment.