Friday, August 14, 2009

You've Got a Friend in Me...

So I am back on the market once again...don't worry the Big Cheese and I are doing great, it is not a man I am looking for, this week I am looking for a friend. Namely, a local gal pal that I can shop, eat and drink with. Not just any friend mind you, I have high standards for the Shirley to my Laverne. Not only does this gal has to be able to drop $100 bucks on frivolous things at the TJ Maxx, but she also has to be able to walk into a Goodwill and not be grossed out by the smell. Also she has to be able hit a burger joint and put down a cheeseburger, fries and a milkshake and not throw up afterwards. And most importantly she has to be to polish off a bottle of wine without taking off her clothes and drunk dialing her ex-boyfriend from college.

While I wait for that perfect friend to walk up my driveway, because I am spending my time here online instead of going out to actually meet people, I have thought hard about what would my classified ad would say if I could put one in the paper. Of course, without looking like a complete loser? I'll start with the most popular, Looking for: Single White Female. Wait, actually she doesn't have to be single or white. She could be married, divorced, gay, black, brown or instead it will say Female. Because really the only physical requirement is that she has to have a vagina. OK next, personal issues--sure. She would have to have someone in her life that makes her crazy. It could be the neighbor's dog for all I care, as long as she also has someone to bitch about. On the other hand, she can't have too many problems, I am not looking to be a therapist. So will change that to: Female, with some issues but not that many. An eye for fashion is a plus, not an out and out requirement, but I cannot hang with a chick who thinks her Gloria Vanderbilts (circa 1984) are still a fashion "Do". Furthermore, if she can still fit into her jeans from 1984 that automatically excludes her anyway, skinny bitch. Onto appearance, well I like to say that doesn't matter, but I know what I like, and if her hair is broken off at the roots or if she is still growing out those "sun-in" streaks that she put in last summer, that simply won't work. Likes and dislikes, doesn't matter, actually the less we have in common, the better, at least our conversations will not find their way to awkward pauses. So basically my add would read: Female seeks Female with annoying people in her life. Appreciates shoes, designer jeans and hairdressers, able to hold her liquor but not hold on to her past.

Or wouldn't it be great if there was a website similar to that I could list all of my requirements and only cool chicks could apply? We could all meet for drinks and a little speed dating. Give me fifteen minutes and fifteen potential gal pals I would date through them like Kobayashi and a plate of hot dogs. My method: word association... beer: love it, jeans: all the time, wine: with dinner, shoes: lots, poker: hell yeah, books: of course, travel: whenever I get a chance.

However, since speed dating for friends is not an option and I would offend most people (including myself) with a classified ad, I guess I will have to go back to basics. I supposed the most reasonable way to meet people would be to hang out in the school parking lot after school. This week I brought a six pack of beer with me each afternoon. It wasn't well received, at least not by the other moms. Maybe they don't start drinking until after five, who knows. However, on the plus side I did meet some really nice construction workers and I am sure their wives are really nice. Oh and now I now have some great leads for when I need to finish my basement. But next week, I think I will work on a more direct approach. Maybe I will find a nice car in the parking lot, sit on the hood and wait for a mom to show (I will bring just two beers one for her and one for me). I will say something like, "Hi, I am new to the neighborhood, here's your beer...I like to eat, drink, shop and play poker, I wrote about YOU in my blog you want to be friends?"

I mean Seriously, Why Can't I?

1 comment:

Lindy said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.