Friday, March 19, 2010

It got a little crazy here again...

So I am going to Mexico next week (no we are not going to make a taco run in Tijuana (although they have great tacos there) or we are not going to buy pottery in Nuevo Laredo) so don't worry about us. We are heading south to Mazatlan, which is completely safe from what I "choose" to read online which is travel sites with last updates in 2009. Because it would totally suck to get caught up in some kidnapping/ extortion plot while shopping for maracas, WWE wrestling masks and souvenir t-shirts and that say "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor".

My point is instead of writing a couple of posts I thought I would offer a brief recap of this past week and what you missed if you were not living here at the Cheese factory.

Mac earned 4th place in the Science Fair, so I bought her a MP3 Player. Which sounded like a good idea at the time, she is a good kid. However, a day later I realized that I lost my maid/servant and she is not as enthusiastic to earn that .50 cents unloading the dishwasher as she was last week.

For St. Patrick's Day I pulled out the big guns and cooked Pork and Sauerkraut for my neighbors, instead of Corned beef and Cabbage, not one of my prouder moments.

I did not have green beer this year, and I am still a little bitter about that.

Because I was home alone with the girls this week, it took me three days to get through the two hour American Idol.

I blistered my lip last night after eating junior mints on a graham cracker right out of the microwave. I was going for a smore effect, sans the mallows. But that minty middle is like a weapon and it turns into nearly invisible liquid when nuked.

Happy Spring Break to All! Hopefully when I get back from the Mazatlan or the "place of deer" thanks again WIKI, I will have some good stories to share.

Monday, March 15, 2010

St. Patrick’s Day, To Celebrate or Not to Celebrate, That is the Question

Since I cracked myself up with my own Haiku, not a good Haiku, but a freakin Haiku none the less. And while I am at it, can I get a shout out for Wikipedia? I must have been at Hardee's for an "extended lunch period" when they taught Haiku 101 at high school or maybe it was taught in junior high and I was in the nurses office with a forged note trying to get out of Phys Ed...AGAIN.

So today I thought whilst I was in the mood I would follow my Rhysling Award Haiku (thanks again Wiki) with a little dity I jotted down in the car pool lane about St. Paddy's Day. You know, maybe for sport I will go three for three and write a Limerick on Wednesday, oh man I wish my English teacher Mrs. Oesterreicher could see me now.

As I creep up on forty, I feel I have to ask,
are forty year old women still beating their flasks?
Are we still able to flock to the pubs the on seventeenth with good cheer?
And more importantly how old is too old to indulge in Green Beer?

So should I go to the pub filled with students for the St. Patrick’s Day party?
Or should I stay home and make my own Whiskey toddy?
For this week, these are the questions that run through my (forty is the new thirty) brain.
Not the dishes or the laundry or the clogged kitchen drain.

(Irish for Cheers or if I was partaking in the frothy green beverage, with my high school buddies college friends, I would most likely just say "Drink til I tell you to stop.")

...BTW I have to come clean, this started as a Limerick, but I gave up halfway through.

...OK, really at no time was it a Limerick, however, it would be the perfect time to write a Limerick with Green Beer this close to St. Paddy's day, right? But that didn't dawn on me until a few minutes ago when I started writing this post. OK will shoot for Wednesday.

...Well, you probably won't see a Limerick on Wednesday either. I hope to be brewing some green beer in the jacuzzi tub so I will be kind of busy. Plus I really don't feel like writing a Limerick, too much work. But if you want to come up with one, I will post it here for everyone to know you can, come on I dare you.

...I double dawg dare you.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ode to my velour sweatsuits, which are not Juicy, but from Old Navy instead which is why I have more to love...

A Haiku (and a writing prompt from Mamma Kat)

Not a Golden Girl

But your bright colors bring warmth to me

You are my best friend

On my honor, I will try...

One of my first couple of posts was about Cheese going to Bible School, you can read it here. For six weeks Cheese and I we went round and round and round about her going to one week of Bible Camp. Hell there was more debate and crossing of lines than over the Health Care Debate. So most recently we have been going Round and Round (I love that song, by Ratt by the way) about Girl Scout Camp. Here was our latest conversation.

Cheese, do you want to go to Girl Scout Day Camp this summer? Mac is going and so are our neighbors.

What is it?

It's girl scout camp. A one week camp themed like one giant Nancy Drew mystery. You remember that movie right?

I don't want to be a girl scout.

Well, you don't have to be a girl scout they are just hosting the Nancy Drew, learn to be a detective, day camp.

It is like school?

Well it is like school but with out the learning part.

So it's like Disney World?

What? Do you think school is like Disney world? It is more like recess.

So is there a playground?

I don't know if there is a playgroup. (in between big deep breaths, with voice raised but not yelling yet) How bout this, it is like a party at school with crafts and treats and all fun stuff but without the phonics. Similar to the 100 Day Party we had at school a couple of weeks ago but instead of doing all things with the number 100, you will be solving mysteries and going on treasure hunts.

Sure, like that. Can I have apple juice instead of water in my water bottle today for school?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Today I am taking a McMulligan...

Up last night at 1am, 3am and again at 5am. Finally fell asleep and pretty sure REM was established. I was just about to ride some bumper cars with Robert Patterson aka Edward, in my dream when I was harshly awakened by my alarm. Argh...

Got out of bed and realized that I must have pulled out my lower back while sleeping. Double argh...

My eyes itch, again, and this has been going on for a week. What is up with that, argh...

Picked up Cheese from school, she too must have had a shitty day, because she wouldn't get out of the car at Walgreen's voluntarily, so I pulled her out but not before I nearly broke my nose on the top of her head, and ya'll I saw stars. I felt like those old Tom and Jerry cartoons, she was crying, I was crying. Karma strikes again argh...

... so I went through the drive thru of McDonald's, grabbed a McFish sandwich and some fries and just decided to chalk up this day to a McMulligan.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Sure you take it...

So I pirated this award from the Bloggess. Hey she said I could like totally take it... Well, maybe she didn't really want me to take it, maybe it was one of those "situations". You know the one where you and your girlfriend are shopping and both of you gravitate to the same shiny beacon, a gorgeous silvery purse on sale and the only one of its kind. So you say, "you know what, you buy it, I already have a silver purse, you had a bad week, and you deserve it dude."

Meanwhile you are screaming inside because you have finally found the one accessory that will bring your entire wardrobe into fashionista alignment. This purse not only completes you but you are afraid if you don't take it home with you it will land on your list of regrets right in between the Frye Boots on clearance at Nordstroms that you could buy only if you sacrificed your groceries for three weeks and the cashmere pea coat that you couldn't justify while living in the south, only to received orders that next month for Omaha, NE.

Oh, and if you have never read than you are totally missing out.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

LIFE! Do you hear me? Give my creation... LIFE!

Today I dedicate this post to my parents. Or to any parents who look at their children one day and feel like Victor Frankenstein. Their monster walks the earth wreaking havoc on all who surround him. But with the power to create of that life, you also assume the responsibility to nurture it and you can never rid the bond that lies beneath, regardless of the "monster's" mistakes. Sure this conversation taken from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein is very dark and far more extreme than what we face as parents, but as Victor Frankenstein address his monster Frankenstein, can't you just feel his torment, I mean come on Victor, can I get a big AARRRGGGHHHH....

"Devil", I exclaimed, "do you dare approach me? And do you not fear the fierce vengeance of my arm wreaked on your miserable head? Begone, vile insect? Or rather, stay that I must trample you to dust!" And, oh! That I could, with the extinction of your miserable existence, restore those victims whom you have so diabolically murdered."

"I expected this reception" said the demon. "All men hate the wretched; how, then, must I be hated, who am miserable beyond all living things! Yet you, my creator, detest and spurn me, thy creature, to who thou are bound by ties only dissoluble by the annihilation of one of us. You propose to kill me. How dare you sport thus with life? Do your duty towards me, and I will do mine towards you and the rest of mankind. "

Yeah, I know dark right?

However, I think Gene Wilder handled it better, from Young Frankenstein...

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door."

Inga: "Yes, Doctor."

Igor: "Nice working with ya."

[Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: "Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!"

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Take me off your list... I DON'T KNOW YOU PEOPLE!!!

I have mentioned here and here my mundane, entertaining and sometimes disgusting conversations with my group of girlfriends. What started as a way to report "the news" to each other as we were scattered across the four corners of the universe, has now turned into a 6 month long email trail. A trail that at times leads to a fantastical and imaginary place where divas and bitches rule and the tweedle dees and tweedle dums that stumble across our path later turn into pawns in a giant game of "we own the world, you have a problem with that?" chess.

I have shared here the G and PG-13 versions of this fantastic game. But what I haven't shared is that some of these conversations will at times border on the line of shameless while it disects the line of creepy and then slowly converges onto the plane of just plain wicked.

Well yesterday, thank you very much, oh person that we do not know, with the freakingly similar email name, that you have been receiving these private notes from the five of us. And thank you for your perfectly crafted reply...

Take me off your mailing list... I DO NOT KNOW YOU PEOPLE!!!

Next stop, therapy.