Friday, December 30, 2011

A hangover cure?

You know you have a slight problem. (Disclaimer: "Not that there is anything wrong with it.") When you check Yahoo!News and from these options, the newsworthy story you decide to find out more about is ...

*Two abortion doctors charged with murder in late-term cases
*Canadian couple welcomes 100th grandchild to family
*Missing Arkansas mother's torched car discovered in forest
*Can you cure a hangover? New attempts, old standbys
*Romney son jokes about Obama's birth certificate Iowa blogs
*Babysitter charged with murder in Indiana girl's death
*Bolivia to sell 13K tons of rice seized from American
*Gingrich gets emotional in rare personal campaign moment

Hit the brakes, well hey, actually don't because it looks like we have been given the green light to pour that 1am shot of tequila and follow it up with a corona chaser. The holy three have finally manifested themselves into a tablet called "Blowfish." And this tablet, named after a highly poisonous vertebrate (???) is claiming to do what all others have failed. A cure for hangovers?

I can't help but think, combine Blowfish with the morning after pill and you may as well be the elected a Major of DO-OVERville.
But I am intrigued, so I decided to "dive" a little deeper.

The latest concoction, "Blowfish" combines aspirin, caffeine and an antacid into an Alka-Seltzer-like effervescent tablet. When dropped into a glass of water, it fizzes up a lemony brew that packs the hangover-fighting power of two extra-strength aspirins, three espressos and a greasy breakfast. Sans the 2000 calorie, smothered, covered and scattered, ok I want to hear more...

But it gets even better. Because if wake up to find yourself in the Manhattan area, in your 2nd story loft lying on your kitchen floor with a plate of Nachos Bellgrande on your stomach and your mouth and tongue dyed bright red from the big gulp in your right hand, do not fear...if you order online you can qualify for a 60 minute delivery in Manhattan! Just select courier shipping at checkout.

Seriously, why didn't I think of this? Seriously?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Lashing out...

And then she poured acid into my eyes... and I immediately thought to myself, well no, my first thought was f**k I am blind. My second was an imagined a scenario where I quickly jumped up turned and grabbed the tech by the throat and proceeded to jam her head into my knee. So it would be my third thought, which know this is totally what I deserve for trying to save a couple thousand YEN and venture out on my own.

Let me back up.

Moving to a new city can be a challenge. From choosing the street you live on to choosing your family dentist. BUT if you have someone on the inside, someone in town that has already done the research, found the right people and places than a transition need not be as daunting. They can help you solve some of the most important questions when moving: where do I get my hair done? my nails? and where can I get a good martini,meal?

So I was one of the "rucky" ones, I had an "in", she knows who she is and without her, my transition to Japan could have been nightmarish, starting with self inflicted enemas on the Japanese toilets and ending with offending an entire restaurant because I left my chopsticks in my rice bowl. She showed me the ropes, and because of her connections I now have a "stylist" a "manicurist", a "trainer" and a freakin "mamasan." SCORE!!! Rife is good.

But soon there comes a time when that Mama bird takes off and leaves that little bird in that foreign tree and that baby bird has to leave the nest one her own, fly away or fall to the ground breaking both legs soon after becoming dinner to the closest predator.

Well it didn't take long until this bird, not only fell out of the nest but hit a couple of branches on the way down. And found her little eyes glued shut after venturing out on her own.

Eyelash extensions-1, Birdie- 0

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Please take off that Reindeer Sweater...

As we stumble head first into the Christmas season looking back over our shoulder at Thanksgiving sporting a substantial muffin top, we wonder begin to wonder how in the hell did we get here already? Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season, the anticipation for the big guy and all that Christmas entails. However, I find myself in a cynical place when it comes to Christmas fashion. Why is it instead of rejoicing in my fellow wo/man and their Christmas "spirit" I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "take off that F*&ing reindeer sweater!!"

Some of my other pet peeves during this tacky, yet love your fellow man holiday season...

Santa hats- They look ridiculous on EVERYONE. You could put a Santa hat on a bare-chested, Matthew McC (my number one), and he could ask me to join him in Fiji for a week in his best southern drawl. But if he is wearing that velvet monstrosity upon his beautiful crown, I will have to pass on principle alone. Well, not before taking a picture as proof.

Christmas lights- Beautiful in your yard or in your house. However, your sweater should not light up, your earrings should not light up, your necklace should not light up- NOTHING. You know who you are...take that shit off and hang it on your tree.

Bells- Mildly annoying, regardless, unless in a bell tower. But these should never be on your person. Not on your shoes or tied around you waist or at the top of the Santa hat you are wearing (that my friends could earn you a punch in the face.) Plus let's face it nobody wants to hear you coming.

Let's just put it this way, you tacky pieces of shit "spirited" people, if an ELF considers it a part of their wardrobe than maybe you should NOT. Now go out and get looped on spiked egg- nog, you have my permission.

UPDATE: Accepted: Santa hats when worn to deliver good cheer, especially when worn by men delivering candy canes in the hospital to all men, women and children. Thank you guys!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Thankfulness, wait is that even a word?

Facebook- 30, Me- 16, that is the final score of the thirty days of thankfulness that I attempted to write daily for the month of November. I realized there was a problem when I barely made it past the first week and had to list days 8, 9 and 10 all in one day. Well, to my defense, I also know full well that dredging baby carrots in ranch dip while drinking a diet coke is not a healthy lunch. Don't judge, my jeans will do that for me. Speaking of jeans, why is it that as the holidays approach, I all I want to do is bake I mean slice and bake cookies. I am NOT a bear, but why does nature F*&* with me by urging me to start bulking up for the winter??

I digress, DONT GET ME STARTED. Anyway, I continued to press on past day 10 and kept up my thankful list, each day getting a little less creative but a little more heartfelt...thankful for my husband, my kids, the kindness of others, etc. All and all I say I made it unofficially to day 16, maybe 12, I don't really remember. Before I knew it, I was out of thankfulness steam, forgotten sometime between "Winesday" and I am too busy for this

Now, don't get me wrong I am both grateful and thankful for just about everything in my life. In fact, I may be one of the most grateful people you will meet. I just couldn't complete the challenge. It's OK, I am used to it, 30 days of being thankful can take a spot between 365 days of pictures and my 6th grade diary, Days 1-5. But as I take a stand this year, against the bears and the cookies, I decided today to come up with another list. If I could do it all over again here is what I would be thankful for:

I am thankful for:

1 The fact that my kids can finally take a shower.

2 Bathing poufs.

3 Shampoo and conditioner combinations... I mean who has the time.

4 Twix bars.

5 The team of 25+ network gurus who decided to call the National Geographic channel, Nat Geo...saving me three syllables.

6 The man who created the leopard snuggie, classy.

7 Libraries, love me some books.

8 The option to document our lives with photographs instead of a diaries.

9 Snapfish.

10 Forks or any utensil really. Living in Japan, we don't realize how good we got it in America.

11 The Wright Brothers.

12 Living close enough to school that my kids can walk.

13 Living close enough to the club that I can walk.

14 Hazzard lights, especially when it is snowing.

15 Right Said Fred.

16 Sushi.

17 Japaneses toilets: namely the air freshener and the white noise features.

18 The ability to say "no" and mean it.

19 Zumba or any excuse to shake it.


21 Moscato.

22 Colored christmas tree lights.

23 Stephanie Meyer & The Twilight books. For giving us 30+++ year old Mom's the idea that Edward could show up at any moment and sweep us off our feet. I wasn't the only one right?

24 Hot pink tucked away in the smallest of places.

25 Chelsea Handler and Tosh.O.

26 The internet.

27 Friends across the miles.

28 Flip Flops.

29 Magazines at check out registers, also super glue and baby wipes.

30 Fridays

There 30 days of thankfulness... FB can Suck It!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I can't make this stuff up...

While searching the internet some time ago, I found this comment in the Yahoo forum. After I pissed my pants, I immeadiately placed it into my blog log where it was later completely forgotten. I found it this weekend stuffed between my letter to Oprah and my list of 25 things I wanted to do within the next year. The marathon can suck it for now.
I won't go into why I was searching for "slimquick" really I can't remember. I could have just polished off a bag of oreos with a Mich Ultra chaser, or tried on my skinny jeans only to realize that they came complete with a muffin top, this is not the point. The point is that anyone that poops their pants "in a private car no less" with such EXCLAMATION deserves a shout out.



Sunday, October 30, 2011

Out and About

Random Photos from Japan.

Really a cray pot?

This is exactly why the Japanese bow instead of shake hands.

One of the more entertaining vending machines. I am still looking for one that sells something other than drinks and cigarettes.

FINALLY! We found Godzilla. Did they know something about the Space Program that we didn't.

Welcome to the Prince Hotel, we would like to offer you shampoo, mouthwash, shaving cream and this pink scrunchie.

Monday, October 24, 2011

365 Project...Take 20 (And don't fall on the fish this time)

Again and again I have attempted to join the 365 Project, only to fail at day one in a half. So basically I take one photo and on day two I just think about taking a photo.

But here I sit in the land of 100YEN stores, sushi and road "caution" signs with pictures of puppy and ducklings on the bottom. How could I not share take part in the project.

So here it goes... I figure anything past day three and I have already won.

P.S. Although I am not a cheater, I am going to fudge a little and post my top ten photos taken until now. As if I started on October 15th, NOT Oct 25th.

P.P.S. Don't judge.

P.P.S.S. As if anyone is really reading this.

P.P.S.S. But seriously don't judge.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Privacy and Vanilla Ice Cream

Ahh, privacy. My five minute morning ritual that occurs (sometimes too quickly) after my second cup of joe. Just me and the Stars and Stripes turned to the American Roundup page while my "starving placed on a strict diet because they are too fat and if they don't diet they will end up with feline diabetes and you know who has two thumbs and is not spending my years in retirement giving them shots in the ass...this girl" cats rub up against my legs. That is what life is all about y'all.

But this morning, I thought it had to be a joke. Did the guys from ninja their way way into the Stars and Stripes last night and decided to mix that shit up. Either that or I need to get back to the U.S. as you people are going all sorts of crazy. Forget those bland vanilla news stories of the past for you American boneheads are on your second serving of Sweatty Balls ice cream covered with dickies and hot fudge.

I'll recap today's paper...

3 Women "victims" of unwanted toe sucking-
(enter screeching sound here) Seriously, how does one become a victim of toe sucking?

Theft suspect sends victim a friend request
Thief steals a cell phone then, sends the owner of said cell phone a friend request on FaceBook. She recognizes him as the dude who stole her phone and calls the cops. Score 2,001 for the combination of social media and idiots.

Burger joint sued for having small booths
A man is suing White Castle because the booths are too small for him to fit.
Is this not obvious??

Rabid dead bat found in store's Halloween aisle
Question: Would it be as newsworthy if it was found in July?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Ode to a Banana Boat

Side by side two yellow floats travel as one,
Under a dark black cloud that blocks out the sun.
Sideways rain drops pelt and and sting my face
As the Jackhole boat driver continues to race,

Back and forth, left and right he crashes through the tide.
While 40 ft back, I start to dislike this mother fu**ing ride.
I am now holding on for dear life, shit I can't feel my toes,
This damn fruit float is deceiving, my anxiety grows.

Does he really want us off, "yeah you, dickhead" is that the name of this game?
Because if I knew that before I would have stayed on the shore in the rain.
Instead now, my arms are like jelly, my knees feeling forty
I have two cuts on my legs, hey jackball, not feeling so sporty.

In fact come to think of it I can't feel anything anymore,
Only resentment and regret... get me the hell ashore!!!
And if you don't soon, once I get back the feeling in my legs I swear
I will fly from this yellow death trap, and high kick you straight in the pair.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Lost in Translation

All we wanted was a Mos Burger, or eight Mos Burgers as we traveled back from our two day beach excursion. Covered with salt, sand and the unpleasant memories of a banana boat ride (see this post). Four hungry adults and four impatient children embarked on our first attempt of "fast food."

Let me explain, ordering food at a Japanese restaurant be it fast food or otherwise, is an ordeal, think third base coach and hand gestures (nodding, crotch grabbing and the proverbial inner arm slap back and forth and back and forth). Lots of pointing and smiling and finally as your narrowed ass waitress walks away you just hope against hope you ordered the chicken fried rice and not the fried rice with pork intestines and a side of "what in the hell is this". Of course, the servers, they try, and every once again someone will pull out the "handicapped menu", a menu translated in English. Because if that doesn't make you feel like you rode in on the short bus then the blank looks, with toothy smiles will. Makes you want to say aloud, "Beans and Franks" and walk in circles.

Let me also explain, in Japan, food comes in waves, when it it ready, not altogether. Sure this alleviate heat lamps, but mostly it leads to envy and resentment. While you are waiting, your friend somehow won the dinner lottery and finds themselves knee deep into a plate of Yakisoba and not only are they not paying attention to the drool dripping from your chin but they just look so damn smug enjoying their meal.

I am getting there...

So we order off the "special English menu" at the counter of Mos Burger. Our fries come out first along with our drinks and our teenie tiny plate of ketchup (which deserves another post). Four burgers are delivered, four are not, 10 minutes pass, 20, then 30 minutes. Now normally this would be an easy fix, "Excuse me, we are missing four burgers. Can you check on these for us?"

Instead, what went down is what I like to call, the Great Hamburger Emergency...

US Waiving to get attention (you hoo over here, obnoxious Americans, no we are not dancing we are trying to get your attention)
Grab menu, point at Hamburger, shaking head, no (we did not get)

CUTE LITTLE MOS EMPLOYEE Nods "hai, hai" (yes, yes) while taking steps backward to her safe place/ counter.

US We exchange a glance, Oh Shit, I think we just ordered another burger. Speaking now "No, no, no we didn't get any burgers, zero" (making a giant zero with our hands) only four. We are now causing an incident.

CUTE LITTLE MOS EMPLOYEE Crickets...and a blank stare.

US We all jump in, all four adults begin to point and gesture, which is now an all out clusterf#$%, we are all pointing, slapping arms, four fingers, four four four "we received four fries, shaking head no hamburgers." I think someone does the "international" symbol for death with a swift hand gesture across the neck.

CUTE LITTLE MOS EMPLOYEE She walks even further backwards, bowing and smiling. But inside I can tell she is waiting for the short bus to drive up to pick us all up, then she is going to lock herself in the meat freezer and enjoy a tallboy Orion.

US Did we just order four more burgers or tell her that we were going to off her?

This continues until my brilliant daughter grabs the smart phone downloads a Google Translation application, burgers are received and all is right with the world...for now.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

25 Days, 25 Things I Have Learned

Well after 18 long hours on a plane intermittent with Harry Potter movies, screaming babies and copious amounts of pre-packaged food, we landed on the island of Okinawa. Actually I wouldn't even say landed, more like stopped long enough to jump off the plane and immediately strap on a pair of wheelies (you know Dad, the kind of sneakers that are also skates).

So, so much to share, and once the rubber wheels are worn down to the stubby silver nub I will go into detail about some of our most recent adventures. But for now here is a list of 25 things I have learned in the 25 days I have been here on the island of Oki.

1. Straight out of the gate I was confronted by Yahoo! Japan and a screen full of Kanji...was I hacked? How do it know. And more importantly how do you spell English in Kanji so I can get back to my English lover?

2. You can order off of the menu Fried Rice, literally spelled Flyed Lice.

3. All Japanese food is fat free, 0 calories? You may also be eating furry caterpillar poo, but if you can't read the package it just don't count.

4. Cocoks Nail Salon- Oki's Mecca. Where women flock for toe nail art. And since I plan on having a appointment every three weeks for the next three years, I need to gather 52 gold coins (500yen tips) for the 52 toe designs in my future.

5. Sour vs. Awamori vs. Chu Hi- not sure what the difference is but consumption of any of these cocktails will cause you to think that you are fluent in Japanese.

6. Predator of choice: Habu Snake vs. Banana spider- an aggressive snake who hunts at night and lies awaiting in the grass in your backyard vs. an aggressive spider that attacks/jumps on you when not provoked and sleeps in your windows.

7. And because of this I have learned that living in the jungle is not as romantic as in the movies. Mother nature is pissed and wants her island back.

8. No substitutions- while the Japanese are very accommodating overall, don't f### with the food. If you don't like fatty spare ribs in your soba, too damn bad.

9. Karaoke rooms- these go for $8/ hour. Once in, singing Domo Arrigato Mister Roboto at the top of your American lungs and ending the night with some "Teen Spirit" by Nirvana is a must do.

10. There are more than just one shape of toilet, and flushing is just one of their many functions. Just ask my friend.

11. Wet towels- Are offered before every meal, I appreciate the cleanliness, but I can help but think there are offered to compensate for the crappy hand soap.

12. Chopsticks- why people in Japan are so thin.

13. They also prefer wood splinters as I found it is rude to rub them against each other to smooth them. Or stick them out of your rice.

14. 100 yen store - charges 105 Yen per item

15. Hai means yes- not hello, so I have spent the last 25 days walking into restaurants, bars and shops saying "yes" to everyone I meet.

16. The Japanese like their fruit and have dedicated entire theme parks to it, welcome to Pineapple Land, or would you prefer to spend your day at Goya Island?

17. Swimming with a Whale shark will be just plain cool and on my bucket list.

18. Heat- WARNING: Sitting in the direct sun, can cause your face to melt off like the dude who opened the Arc on Indiana Jones.

20. Sangria tastes better in Japan, and when consumed every night it can cause one to lapse into denial every day at 4pm.

21. Mayonnaise tastes great on everything- of course I knew this, but now the Japanese have proved it.

22. Yen spends like monopoly money.

23. Sushi also tastes better in Japan.

24. Socks with flip flops is still a fashion DON'T.

25. Typhoon Muifa, I would find her so much more enjoyable if she was names Typhoon Mulva.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Life as a Nomad

Well its here again...the time for our military family to pack up all of our worldly possessions, sell the remaining for one tenth of its original cost and join the band of military gypsies that travel from guest bedroom to sleeper sofa, hotel room to TLF, waiting to recreate a new existence in a new home, city or in our case a new country, Konbanwa.... OKINAWA, JAPAN.

So before we board our 24 hour flight tomorrow to Japan.. one that I imagine will be something like a Ringling Bros. Barnam and Bailey Brother's Circus railcar filled with and elephants and a dirty dwarf clowns. I thought I would recount how I have spent our last month of HOMELESSNESS?

20 Different bathrooms
19 Great friends spending time at a going away party
18 Calls to Mom
17 Fights with younger Nomads who spend copious amounts of time playing with the soap in the worse of those bathrooms
16 Different hotels- from Greenville to North Platte to Boston to Seattle
15 Happy Hours
14 Bottles of wine
13 Hours in hotel pools
12 Donuts
11 Hours of layovers
10 Hissy fits
9 Different microbrews tried and LOVED
8 lbs.Gained
7 lbs. Loss than gained again
6 Frustrating hours of waiting for wireless internet
5 Lbs of Fried Clam Strips
4 Hours fun in the sun with my buddies
3 Lines dances at the Copperhead Country Bar
2 Wineries
1 Stanley Cup Victory
0 An almost trip to Canada

Saturday, May 14, 2011

If Bloody Mary can Survive than so can this Blog...

The best way to describe it, I guess similar to a recovering addict, because o' blog you are always on my mind. You are there when I wake up in the morning to a sugar and rice krispy covered floor, child perched on the kitchen table eating her breakfast while watching DC Cupcakes and I want to share that "crunchfooted" moment with the cyber world. And again later in the day when I am in the car driving, reach to open up a "box" of chewing gum, it explodes and I am covered in powder and 1 inch cubed shrapnel. I curse, lean down between my feet to grab a piece and nearly miss an relatively big man walking his little tiny Yorkie. And while I am at it, hey Wrigley's (just because we carry suitcases instead of purses these days, it does not give you the right to increase the size of a pack of gym to an obnoxious 3 inch box). I'll tell you what, just bring back Fruit Stripe, make the flavor last longer and I will forget the rest.

It may not seem like it, but I do drop in now and again write a few notes here, a few ideas there then like the recovering Uncle Joe I disappear for weeks, heck months at a time...I know I need to write more, and I will. Big changes are ahead for the Cheese Factory. We are closing down our doors in the good ole U.S. of A and heading to the Pacific where labor is cheap but manicures are NOT. But that my friend, is another post altogether.

So what really prompted me to write today was a visit from a long lost friend. A gal who showed up at my 10 year olds slumber party last night..."Bloody Mary." Where in the hell have you been you scary, menacing B**ch all these years? I would have thought that you were way retired; hanging out with your Ouija board in a nice little mirrored hut in the South Pacific. But I guess things are tough even for old wives tales. Let me say your unwelcome attendance in my downstairs power room caused one little girl to go home, props to you Mary, you haven't lost your touch old gal.

I do have to admit it was MUCH better seeing you again as an adult. But next time you wander into my bathroom, would it kill you to bring something with you to the party. Maybe a little "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, Hard as a Rock."

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Guess who's coming to dinner?

The age old question, if you could host a dinner for 10 people dead or alive who would you ask to stop by? If I had to commit right now, without much thought, I guess my list would start off as "shocking" as others. Starting out with the big three: JC, Oprah, Obama. However, I seem to veer off the beaten path for the remaining crew. One has to think about personalities, and there needs to be some common interests, as stated in a post a long time ago, I abhor silent pauses. So here it goes in no particular order.

I would also invite: Cher, for her shelf life, wardrobe choices and I think she would be a kick. Pink for her attitude towards all and the most likely to shotgun a beer with me. Adam Sandler and Chris Rock for their banter OR Steve Carrel and Ricky Gervais they would be a package deal, so would definitely need a back up. A great planner always has a back up. Will Ferrel for pure sport. Matthew McConaughey for eye candy, he is also a beer drinker so one less alcohol to purchase. And I would round out the group with a good girlfriend, not only to pinch me every now and again to make sure I wasn't dreaming but to share the night with me so we could recount it over and over again for years to come.

Now if you asked me that question almost 30 years ago my answers would have been much different. Cher and Pink would have been replaced by the entire band of either A-HA or Duran Duran. Matthew Mc would have been replaced by Leif Garrett. The comic duo replaced by Tia and Tony the twin witches from Witch Mountain. Bo, Luke and Daisy Duke would be on the list. Ralph Macchio from Karate Kid and the Professor from Gilligan's Island, Roy Hinkley.

Bet you didn't know he had an actual name. Actually the Skipper's had one too, he was Jonas Grumby.

Some others just for fun:

Cap'n Crunch’s - Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch (who cares)
Snuffleupagus - Aloysius (I know right, I could barely say Snuffleupagus, could never spell it, why bother?)
Peppermint Patty - Patricia Reichardt (Mister, very confusing for a kid, was that the first cartoon lesbian)
Shaggy of Scooby-Doo - Norville Rogers (Dirtbag, he would definitely be invited- although if he brought with him Scooby Snacks with the "magical powers" I may have given the guitarist from A-HA the boot.)

Seriously Why Can't I?

Monday, February 21, 2011

Life is Like a Box of Choocolates...

Well I have come full circle. It is truly amazing how life shakes out. Time changes everything. Life is like a box of chocolates. An unwatched pots boils immediately. You get my drift. It's been a long time O Blog, my long lost friend. So sorry I dropped you like a pair of panties on prom night, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

But I am back now, it seems that life once again has thrown me a curve ball so I look to you for some batting advice, because instead of taking the base after getting smacked in the forehead with the baseball, like last year...this time at bat I am going to hit that sucker right out of the park. And then take a victory lap.

To give you an idea of what I have been up to these past couple of months, here is a list of my last google searches.

At What temperature does beer freeze?

Is Amway a Scam?

What is Reuters?

How to download movies to ipod?

Why is a tic tac toe tie, called a cat game?

Long island iced tea recipe?

Who was The Wrestler movie based on?

What is an alpaca?

Okinawa average weather?

Why don't British people sing with an accent?

What does a ticket run to see the Grammys?

How to make a sandwich toothpick straw blowgun?

Directions to: Art in Motion Tattoo Parlour.