Thursday, December 31, 2009

2009 was fine but 2010 is where its at...


As I have stated here over and over, I am a optimist, a rose colored designer sunglasses wearing (yet purchased at TJ Maxx for half the cost) optimist. So you will not find me here complaining about 2009. I mean seriously, what do I have to complain about? My kids are healthy, we are warm, we eat well (actually from November 25th and on, too well, and you can suck it sugar cookies!). And we can still afford our house payment even able after those jack balls on Wall Street screwed everything up.

2009 was a good year. Not a great year but a good year and I will take a good year over a not so good year any day.

But 2010, better watch out. Because I am taking 2010 by storm, like a bad ass Spartan against the legions of the Persian army. I may be outnumbered and flanked on both sides, but with 300 of my closest warrior friends (preferably buff men wearing loin clothes**), I will crush you and mold you into a year of DESIRE: running a half marathon, finishing my book, reworking my blog and numerous work goals. (**OK, maybe I don't know 300 buff men, but I was already down that dank dirt road so I had to keep my stride.)

In any case, you better hide 2010 unless you want to get your ass handed to you in a Rachel Ray 5 Quart Saute Pan, with a apple sticking out of your sorry mouth.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Call 1-800 CHRISTMAS


POP rang the champagne cork, 4pm, Christmas Day. The glorious sound was heard round the kitchen, children were startled but us adults cheered in unison as we started to pour our first Christmas Day cocktail. If I had my druthers I would have cracked open a bottle for my morning mimosa, feeling a little under the weather I could use the vitamin C for Christ's sake (no pun intended). But since I would have been the only one hittin the hooch on Christmas morn, so "we" decided to wait until it a more appropriate time within the mountain standard time zone happy hour guidelines. Later, we would realize that 4pm was way too early to start celebrating "Christmas in a Glass" when you are cooking a Christmas Feast for seven.

Here were the chain of events as they played out last night:

4:00pm Poured a Bellini and preheated oven to 375

4:15pm Started whipping up filling for pumpkin pie

4:30pm Mac and Cheese while snapping green beans got in fight over number of green beans allotted to each, so I poured my second Bellini, ran out of peach schnapps, dammit, but on the upside the kids did get a little bit quieter

5:00pm Made a cheese plate since everyone started bitchin that they were hungry, where did I put my drink? So poured another cocktail this time with cranberry juice and champagne.

5:30pm Another fight emerged, this time over play-doh and the mix vs. not mix debated. Someone cried, someone went into time out. I handled it by pouring a fourth champagne cocktail.

6:00pm Started dancing in the kitchen to the Black Eyed Peas..."I Got A Feeling, Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night"

6:30pm Poured another Glass of Christmas Cheer

6:45pm Continued the dance party

7:15pm Ho-ly turkey shit, realized we (I mean I) never put the bird in the oven. In desperation, called the 1-800 Butterball Hotline hoping for a hail mary, maybe there is a quicker way to cook turkey...placed on hold.

7:25pm While on hold, pulled pumpkin pie out of oven, dropped it on floor. Hung up with 800-butterball and starting dialing Crisco Pie Hotline 1-877-7468, it is even more important that we have pie, placed on hold.

7:30pm Spilled cranberry juice all over the floor trying to make my seventy-ith cocktail while holding on to the phone, still on hold with the Crisco peeps. Found out that Ocean Spray too has a phone number so hung up on Crisco and dialed the Ocean Spray Consumer Hotline at 1-800-662-3263...forget the turkey and the pie, we are out of champagne cocktails, SOS please send cranberry!!!

8:00pm Ate leftover ham, stale rolls and bud light

...OK, I am sooo kidding, the fact is we had a beautiful dinner. We cooked and consumed seven pounds of primed rib, cooked to perfection I might add. It was accompanied with buttered potatoes and garlic green beans and finished off with a succulent cherry cheesecake and obligatory pumpkin pie, of course. Christmas cocktails WERE included but not with the frequency mentioned here, also no children or adults were hurt while writing this blog.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Why Can't We All Live in a Gingerbread Mansion...

Wordful Wednesday- Holiday Edition
I am not sure what takes the most effort when constructing a Gingerbread House. Controlling the spackle/frosting as it spues out of the plastic poorly constructed manufactured bag it came in, keeping said frosting off of every surface within a 3 foot radius (including light fixtures, floor and your Christmas Card holder) while frosting, trying to encourage your children to actually use the candy for decorations instead of an appetizer/precursor to lunch or having the courage to walk out of the kitchen while Extreme Home Make Over takes over.

So each year I try to take one more baby step back and let the kids construct their own house, thus letting the frosting come alive and the gumdrops half eaten stick to wood floor. And they are excited about their autonomy for about an hour, then their ADD kicks in and/or Spongebob Christmas comes on the tube, and interest is lost. So like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction, and I step in as the cleaner and finished up the project and put my flair on it. All in all, another Christmas memory is created, mostly created by me. But if we have nothing else than we have our memories, even if a good deal of my time was spent yelling and cussing at the kids. So here is what we can up with this year:

So I am feeling pretty good about myself, our gingerbread box has been checked, next on the list to tackle, cookies for Santa. Then I get this email. Now, I am sure you have one too, that girlfriend, you know the one that is so freakin talented and artsy crafty that even her monogrammed craft crates have labeled containers inside. Her kids underwear have been embroidered with their names and her food pantry is organized by shape and color. Well, ours is "L", and although she is engineer by trade, holy gumdrop hell, she sent me a photo of her Gingerbread mansion. Kinda makes my house look like the before dilapidated house from Extreme Home Makeover; pipes broken, mildew in the tub and cracks in the wood floors.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Hark the Hearld Angels Sing...


I could hear their sweet voices echoing throughout the bank/ post office/ real estate office as I dropped the 150th letter into the mail slot. "Glory you are fi-n-ished..."

That's right kids, I have mailed my last Christmas card, bought my last present and ordered my last online gift, sweet holy mother of little baby Jesus.

There are, however, some repercussions left in my Christmas dust. For instance, my credit card now has an attitude, a little resentment if you will and has threatened to embarrass me in public next time I foot the bill for friends at a swanky restaurant or wait in a long ass line to buy that necessary fur vest I have my eye, by stopping me in my tracks with a big fat gratuitous DECLINE. And my American Express, she has turned into quite the slut, as she hasn't seen so much action since the Madonna/ Britney lip lock in 2003.

On the up side, Amazon.com has given me a lifetime key to their special gold treasure box, for instance today I can purchase The Wrestler on Blu-Ray for $6.99. And yesterday it was a Mothers Powerball Mini Polishing tool for $19.99, how did they know that was on my list? I think I would rather they offer me Free Super Saving Shipping for every purchase over $100.01. Oh and Walmart has framed a headshot taken of me this morning sans make-up with a slight hangover and placed it damn near the Employee of the Month's photo, well actually it hangs around the corner close to the men's bathroom, but it reads, "Customer with the most visits in December (and it's not even over yet)." And Hobby Lobby is now sending me 40% coupons each week for all my business and they have asked me to teach a class on how to purchase and then return and then purchase again then return random Christmas decorations.

So all in all a decent couple of weeks. OK don't get your Christmas panties in a bunch, I haven't been hittin my coffee with the hooched up eggnog to think that I am completely done. As I am sure I will have a pop-up, you know a random friend that sends over a Christmas card, someone not on my original list and then I will, in turn, have to stuff an impersonal envelope and send one back. And I also realize that it would be impossible to think that I will go these next seven days without stepping my knock off designer boot in one store, I mean who am I kidding? It is about as unreasonable as thinking there are no more girls left to fall out of the tree that Tiger backed into. Boo yah...sorry Tiger.

But for today, right now, in this moment this Superhero aka "ShopperMom with the Christmas Belt Attachments" has won this year's round against the always aloof Christmas Spirit and won. See ya next year loser.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Awards are the bestest Christmas gift...



About ten years ago I had my first "Betty Crocker" Christmas. That year not only did I receive a crockpot, but I also found under the tree a sewing machine, a book on how to use said sewing machine and a set of pots and pans. I was not a happy Betty crocker camper. How in the hell did I become a housewife? I went to bed a rockstar and woke up a mother carrying an extra 20 pounds of baby fat, awful brown roots where my blonde hair used to be and my mojo buried under three feet of snow in the backyard. A crockpot, seriously, and what's hiding in the coat closet, a homemade pasta maker? I was barely 29 and wasn't quite ready to trade in my leather mini-skirt for an apron just yet. Sure I did mention the "future" need for these gifts in sort of the same way you may "mention" quietly to your spouse that you monthly bill has come a couple of days early and you won't be able to hit the sheet that night, (all the while grinning inside because you know you are off the hook.) That is how I mentioned those items above, just in passing and mostly under my breath. So you can imagine my surprise when I tore open the great big box that was mocking me under the tree for weeks...maybe it was a TV, that pair of boots I had been coveting, or a fur coat...nope just a set of pots and freakin pans.

Ten years later, I still have my crockpot (which I adore) and my sewing machine (which I like, but it can't stand me) and as I look back today, that may have been the best Christmas yet. As time has progressed, and we become homemakers and moms, it seems our Christmas lists gets shorter and shorter. I now have both an apron and a leather mini-skirt, a large crockpot and a small one for cheese dip. I have been through four sets of pots and pans and the china that I had to have it still sitting in its original box. Other that searching gifts.com, for ideas I have nothing else on my list.

So I was so happy to get the above award from Lindsey
What a nice present...I mean really nice. This so beats the three books I have purchased for myself, wrapped and placed under the tree, what, I need to open something on Christmas...

So if I have this correct (this is only my second award) I need to list five things about myself and pass this along to five more rockstars. So let's see.

1. I stayed up until 1am last night taking self portraits trying to mimic a picture I saw online.

2. I pray every night before bed for my children to live until they are 100 and continue to stay healthy and happy.

3. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my girlfriend K battling brain cancer.

4. I would like to finish the book that I started.

5. I think Christmas morning is one of the most magical mornings of the year with or without kids. Or maybe that is the Champagne talking.

Now to pass this on...here are some of my new friends/ fellow rockstars. I appreciate their support and love to hear their comments when they stop by.

1. BATCRAP CRAZY

2. Peeling an Orange with a Screwdriver

3. Waddlers and Toddlers

4. Aspen Mommy Blogger- is Dis Normal?

5. That Girl Blogs

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Look at his face, even Ben does not approve...


Man, this Christmas season is truly kicking my ass. While I am completely organized in my head, unfortunately this information seems to be locked up with a steel reinforced padlock, however the only key was swallowed by good ole St. Nick and is lodged in the fat crease of his big ole belly.

My lists and have lists, and just when I think I have one shopping list complete, a new one forms like a f**king Christmas green starfish. No kidding, I have spent money every day on Christmas crap since December 2nd, crap and other "necessities"**. However, just today I happy to say that can I finally see the shiny north star at the end of the gingerbread tunnel after buying my last two teacher gifts.

** So when I say necessities, let me clarify. Using this blog as my therapy, first let me lie down on my office couch for a minute, ok that's better. Yes, it is true that I have purchased something in store OR on line everyday since December 2, sure me likey to shop, my mother swears to this day that my first word was KMart(hey, they had good ham back in their deli days). But today as I rode my go cart shopping cart out to my minivan (again WalMart carts like Costco are built for speed and weight) I glanced down at my receipt and I have to admit that I was shocked to see the necessities that hitched a ride into my cart. Talk about flying on Christmas autopilot, I went in for just two gift cards and a frozen pizza. I came out with:

Three packs of silly putty
Two spin toothbrushes
Two palletes of eye shadow
Four lipglosses
Seven wood bowls & plates
One pack of pens
One pack of pencils
Box of couscous (wtf?)
Shampoo
Two boxes of Eggos
Fifteen pairs of gloves
Ten warm winter hats
Two cans of chick peas
Box of Lucky Charms
Box of Golden Grams
Two frozen pizzas
One bag of sour patch kids
Box of paperclips
Bag of rubberbands
and a partridge and a pear tree...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun...Part 3 of 3



New York is where I'd rather stay.
I get allergic smelling hay.
I just adore a penthouse view.
Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue.

...The chores.
...The stores.
...Fresh air.
...Times Square

You are my wife, goodbye city life. Land locked, fourth tier, snowy cold, scalding hot cities with mosquitoes and mountains and ethanol we are there...

There you have it, I admit I am a city girl. Like a mouse to cheese, like the Top Ten List to Dave and high kicks to the Rockettes, I find that me and the Big Apple are a match made in 5th Avenue Heaven. I mean it totally makes sense, my best attributes could only be appreciated in a clamorous fast paced city. I walk quickly, and with purpose. I talk at the speed of light and very loud (I have been told to leave the room on almost every phone conversation I have EVER been on by the Big Cheese). Oh, and I can hail a taxi like nobodies business. It is a shame that "skill" doesn't get much practice in my everyday life, but given the opportunity I can hail the crap out of a cab.

So to say the past week spent in New York City was wonderful is a understatement. I felt like a 10 year old that was the 121st caller and won tickets to the Jonas Brothers/ Taylor Swift/ Hannah Montana Megaconcert. I literally bounced on a pogo stick from store to restaurant to store again, shopping and eating and drinking and shopping as if the Mayan's were really onto somthing and their predictions actually held any water and the world was in fact coming to an end. So today I share my week with you, along with some pictures. By the way, if you were in NYC last week and someone stepped on your toes, blinded you with a flash held inches from your eyes and did not apologize because they were to busy shooting random photos of EVERYTHING, than that was me, sorry dude.


1. First, I found the one place in America where the Men's bathroom line is longer than the womens, a New York Rangers Hockey Game. So if you don't want to wait to pee than go to Madison Square Gardens and pick up a ticket, and a $9 beer.


2. I also found that Matt Lauer is really quite handsome in person. Al's lap band is really working. And Meredith and Anne hit the Plaza working the crowd each morning wearing 5 inch heels, ouch.


3. It is true that a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks just tastes better in New York. 'Nough said. Well OK, one more thing. So this picture is not cup of Starbucks, but it made me warm and fuzzy just like some mocha cocoa. Taken from the window at Bergdorf Goodman's.


4. Mass transit: While I didn't fear for my own safety riding the subway, I couldn't get over the sick feeling that my kids were going to either a) be sucked up by the force of the wind of the train or 2)fall right into the train track or 3)catch some horrible food and mouth disease. Between the subway and the grids in the street, and the shit and pee, I just knew I had the making of a story in the New York Post. I am waiting for my fifteen minutes, but that is definitely not how I would like it to go down.


5. Roasted chestnuts smell wonderful, but taste like rubbery leather. Hot pretzels served with some asphalt, I mean salt, smell like rubbery leather but taste wonderful.


6. The movie Night of the Museum, was much, much better than the actual Museum. "Don't do it Dum Dum."


7. On the other hand, the Macy's Day Parade is really much better live than on TV. Even if you didn't have the names of the celebrities written in purple at the bottom of your TV screen to alert you who was who. You see, if you see it live you can make up celebrities of whoever you want to see and narrate the parade yourself. So not only did we see Heather Locklear like 5 times, but my brother was able to share with the crowd that US Jump Rope Team was actually "Jumping for Jesus." All of this while we drank screwdrivers out of mini paper coffee cups, picked at a left over pastrami sandwich from the night before, introduced the kids to Snoopy and watched Mom practically plow down some geeky women in elf caps as she chased down the street after the cast from the Days of our Lives.
Good times!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Our Trip to New York City...Kids View 1 of 3


As I travel back from the land of dreams and douche bags, aka New York City, to the frozen white tundra I affectionately call home, I realize there is so much to share about our trip. But instead of boring you with the play by play, detail after detail, after all this isn't a travel blog, geesh. Not saying I wouldn't like to start a travel blog, I mean if anyone runs into a editor say from, Conde Nast and they have an opening for someone to research warm weather island destinations for free in exchange for 1000 words typed double spaced I mean a travel correspondent than I am SOOO totally game.

So instead I thought I would shake things up and put together a three day series written each day from the perspective of each of the family, similar to our dinnertime game "high/low". Today we will start with Mac and Cheese, followed by The Big Cheese tomorrow and ending with yours truly on Wednesday. (Disclaimer: this is the schedule as of now barring a fever, puke, a snow day or anything that would throw a wrench in this plan). Of course, I will embellish and fill in the blanks but don't worry they won't be James Frey embellishments more like Gail King while eating her favorite cheeseburger. Our conversations while making dinner Saturday night.


1. Mac: Hey mom, did you know that TV sets on the back of airplane seats are the coolest thing, like ever. I spent my entire trip watching the FoodNetwork, do you know we can cook an entire holiday meal in just one hour?
Cheese: Well, I loved watching and singing to Dora.
Mac: Yeah I saw you watching and kicking the seat in front of you to the beat of ..D.D..D Dora, D...D..Dora, that was why that lady kept turning around, not to hear your singing voice.

2. Me: So what did you think of the Macy's Day Parade? (I should note that we were ten people thick, and two people high. It was like trying to peer over the Great Wall of China.)
Mac: I couldn't see anything, not even one float, I just put my camera up in the air and kept taking pictures. And what was Grandma screaming about, she kept yelling "Hope, Hope, there's Hope from my soap. Move outta the way!" I though she was going to push over those ladies wearing those dumb the elf hats.
Cheese: "Mom, who was that big dog balloon again?
Me: That was Snoopy. (Can you believe that, how did I manage raise my thus far without a knowledge of the Peanut Gang. Have all my Pig Pen references gone to waste? And what about all my Lucy is a bitch and don't be such a Linus...wasted.

3. Cheese: I remember down in the subway everyone kept saying, "don't touch that", or "someone peed there", "stop touching everything, you just touched pee and maybe even poop." I guess I touched a lot of poop.

4. Mac: Oh, yeah, and we spent three hours eating Thanksgiving dinner. We spent three hours watching football. I think we spent three hours eating dinner every night.
Cheese: You know we didn't even eat Turkey for dinner, it was Ham.
Mac: It was Turkey.
Cheese: No it wasn't, it was a pig not a turkey. I would know.

5. Cheese: We went to FAO Schwartz, I got to play the piano that you walk on. I asked dad to buy it for me, it was only 250?
Me: Yes, it was, $250,000 dollars!!!

7. Cheese: We went to the Museum of Natural History to look for people from the movie. We saw Sacajawea.
Mac: Actually Cheese that wasn't Sacajawea, I think mom just pointed at one of the Indians and told us it was her.
Cheese: Well I know I saw Dexter the Monkey.
Mac: And we did get to see Dum, Dum also from the movie, remember that mom? (Yes, I remember jogging through the museum at closing time for what seemed like two miles, looking for the freakin Easter Island's Monument, but I will share more when it is my turn.)

Stay tuned for The Big Cheese's Interview coming up tomorrow...

Newsflash...I was able finally to attach this video of a conversation with Cheese in a somewhat painful but amusing. Amusing to me but the rest of you may find it as boring as watching a baby panda sleep.


video

Friday, December 4, 2009

We're Back...


Hi my sweet little blog, my unconventional online personal journal. Man I missed you. You have been on my mind about as much as the Jack Daniels Egg Nog I have been thinking about, waiting to purchase at the local Safeway. So much to tell you about my travels to New York. Only I can't just yet...

Besides the fact that my liver is no longer functioning, my cellulite has cellulite and my intestines are on strike, I am just too busy to dive in just yet. Unfortunately some other priorities must take precedent, this being the season of Christmas cheer and all, dammit. I still need to unearth my Christmas decorations (I am now in major competitive mode with the other houses here on my block, although they don't know it.) I have to research some high altitude baking directions so that I can bake some edible cookies for the troops and I have to get my act together and start working on our yearly reminder that the family is still alive and kicking AKA...Christmas cards.

But I will be back in touch soon my sweet. I think of you often and I have dozens of sheets of scrap paper and voice reminders as proof to share with you soon. See you Monday.