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Call 1-800 CHRISTMAS


POP rang the champagne cork, 4pm, Christmas Day. The glorious sound was heard round the kitchen, children were startled but us adults cheered in unison as we started to pour our first Christmas Day cocktail. If I had my druthers I would have cracked open a bottle for my morning mimosa, feeling a little under the weather I could use the vitamin C for Christ's sake (no pun intended). But since I would have been the only one hittin the hooch on Christmas morn, so "we" decided to wait until it a more appropriate time within the mountain standard time zone happy hour guidelines. Later, we would realize that 4pm was way too early to start celebrating "Christmas in a Glass" when you are cooking a Christmas Feast for seven.

Here were the chain of events as they played out last night:

4:00pm Poured a Bellini and preheated oven to 375

4:15pm Started whipping up filling for pumpkin pie

4:30pm Mac and Cheese while snapping green beans got in fight over number of green beans allotted to each, so I poured my second Bellini, ran out of peach schnapps, dammit, but on the upside the kids did get a little bit quieter

5:00pm Made a cheese plate since everyone started bitchin that they were hungry, where did I put my drink? So poured another cocktail this time with cranberry juice and champagne.

5:30pm Another fight emerged, this time over play-doh and the mix vs. not mix debated. Someone cried, someone went into time out. I handled it by pouring a fourth champagne cocktail.

6:00pm Started dancing in the kitchen to the Black Eyed Peas..."I Got A Feeling, Tonight's Gonna be a Good Night"

6:30pm Poured another Glass of Christmas Cheer

6:45pm Continued the dance party

7:15pm Ho-ly turkey shit, realized we (I mean I) never put the bird in the oven. In desperation, called the 1-800 Butterball Hotline hoping for a hail mary, maybe there is a quicker way to cook turkey...placed on hold.

7:25pm While on hold, pulled pumpkin pie out of oven, dropped it on floor. Hung up with 800-butterball and starting dialing Crisco Pie Hotline 1-877-7468, it is even more important that we have pie, placed on hold.

7:30pm Spilled cranberry juice all over the floor trying to make my seventy-ith cocktail while holding on to the phone, still on hold with the Crisco peeps. Found out that Ocean Spray too has a phone number so hung up on Crisco and dialed the Ocean Spray Consumer Hotline at 1-800-662-3263...forget the turkey and the pie, we are out of champagne cocktails, SOS please send cranberry!!!

8:00pm Ate leftover ham, stale rolls and bud light

...OK, I am sooo kidding, the fact is we had a beautiful dinner. We cooked and consumed seven pounds of primed rib, cooked to perfection I might add. It was accompanied with buttered potatoes and garlic green beans and finished off with a succulent cherry cheesecake and obligatory pumpkin pie, of course. Christmas cocktails WERE included but not with the frequency mentioned here, also no children or adults were hurt while writing this blog.