Monday, February 1, 2010

Bird poop and fish pedicures...what?


Email, I love, love getting email, FROM MY FRIENDS. However, Lara Davis you are not my friend, if you are reading this, NO I don't want to get 2500 direct TV channels and Amy Johnson you also are not my friend and I will most probably not be calling you "before midnight" to claim my really joint prize offered my Microsoft and Yahoo. So stop spamming me.

I try to live by the motto, react or reject. When I receive a email in my inbox, my goal is to either delete or reply. Again that is a goal, I also have a goal to run a half marathon this year and have to say my execution of both plans has started off a little slow, but hey I still have eleven months to get cracking. I say this as I look at the 355 emails sitting in Yahoo purgatory and my running shoes in the corner of my bedroom growing cobwebs. Sure I realize I need to step it up. But how am I supposed to find the time to read and delete 355 emails. And when I find that time, I suppose I will also have to find the time to make the beds take the Christmas decorations down to the basement from the garage, while fitting in my afternoon run.

But since January came and went in a Jack Frost blink of an eye, and February is a new month, today with a renewed outlook, I did start to go through some of these emails and if you really take a minute to look into your inbox and read before you delete you can find some really fascinating stuff. Like this article from Excelle Lifestyle Digest about "5 Disgusting Things We Do for Beauty." About now, my little nail salon down the street sounds like a good as place as anywhere for a pedicure so I think for now I'll stick to the basics. I could barely get past the snakes anyway.

1. Placenta Facial Anyone?

What are we dousing our faces in? Human placenta (used as a hydrating treatment, and costing an average of $500). Snail secretion (the goop apparently blocks out environmental pollution, and also has rejuvenating qualities) and bird poop (nightingale excretion, actually; it’s said to be rich in the amino acid guanine, which brightens and cleanses skin).
This is great and all but can you tell me what I can do with pigeon shit?

2. How bout a Snake Massages?

In Israel, spa proprietress Ada Barak came up with the idea for snake massages. Basically, she placed a mass of entwined snakes onto her customers’ backs, letting the feeling of the snakes’ movement against the skin calm them. And by “them,” we mean her apparently-out-of-their-minds-brave customers. We’d be anything but calm.
Absolutely, positively, no way in hell, not for a million dollars and a beach house.

3. Or a Fish Pedicure?

People across the nation were immediately disgusted when Sherri Shepherd got a fish pedicure on a July 2008 episode of The View. What’s a fish pedicure? It’s an unconventional beauty treatment in which a group of small garra rufa fish, a type of carp, help exfoliate the feet by feeding on the dead, flaking skin (we just puked in our mouths a little). Since news of the treatment first swept across a variety of media channels, several states and animal rights groups have sought to ban them.
This doesn't sound so bad, I mean hey, if the fish like to eat feet, let them eat feet. Plus they don't have souls anyway... for my PETA friends:)

4. Or how bout a Booty Surgery?

We’ve already written about beauty queen Solange Magnano’s unfortunate demise resulting from, of all things, a butt lift. Apparently, the liquid injected into Miss Magnano’s behind traveled to her lungs and brain, causing respiratory failure. As if we didn’t already need a reason to stick with the butt that God gave us, this sad, sordid tale clinches things for us.
RIP, Hey M you may be onto something.

5. Labiaplasty. What????

Do you know what’s uncomfortably close to our labia? The clitoris, the most sensitive of women’s erogenous zones. And if that gets nicked, we’re screwed.
(no pun intended right) Otherwise I got nothing.

1 comment:

Uptown Girl said...

ummm Seriously?

I'm stuck on the snake massage. How is that supposed to calm anyone? Sick sick sick.

But for a Million dollars and a beach house I'd undergo this 'beauty treatment'. Or if doing this treatment would actually result in the booty lift I might try it...