Saturday, October 3, 2009

Uncomfortable Silent Pauses


Those of you who watch Seinfeld will completely understand. But do you remember the episode when every time Kramer would hear Leeza Gibbons' voice on Entertainment Tonight and he would go into convulsions, his whole body would spasm and he would eventually black out? Well that is what happens to me when I find myself 3 seconds into an awkward group silence.

I go crazy bananas, I can feel my eye twitching, my mouth gets drys and barely six seconds will pass before I find myself blurting out something ridiculous like "you know I am wearing band aids on my nipples because I couldn't find a clean bra to wear." You see, I would rather say something completely self depreciating than stand there sliding deeper and deeper into an abyss like silence.

And tonight at a dinner party I had to trudge my way through about a dozen of these awkward, silent pauses. I mean seriously, out of eight educated, employed, relatively bright adults, you would think that one person could find something interesting to say. For God sakes, A-N-Y-THING, a grunt, a burp or even some gas would have at least cut the silence, if only for a moment.

So as you can imagine I found myself teetering on the edge of insanity and full disclosure. With every silent pause I came closer and closer to accidentally blurting out my truths...starting with the fact that sometimes I pee in the shower when I am really tired in the morning (OK that only happened once...maybe twice) and ending with the fact that I haven't washed my hair in 6 days. Could someone please save me from going down that dirty yellow brick road of no return? Argh...

Fortunately it didn't get that bad, I did leave with my dignity and my bra intact. But I wanted to gouge my eyes out with my oven cooked, well done, crispy charred steak. And that's all I have to say about that.

3 comments:

!!The Obnoxious SAHM!! said...

I love your blog. You are a wonderful writer! :) So glad that I found you.

Anonymous said...

I pee in the shower.....

Michelle said...

You are cracking me up tonight!! The band-aids on the boobs,...too funny. Still laughing. I too do the same thing. Like I feel I have some sort of responsibilty to not let the conversation drown in awkard pauses. Even worse, if I feel someone has said or done something to embarrass themselves, I have to join them. Can't let them be embarrassed all alone. So I find myself saying and doing the wierdest things. For example, if you would have said you had band-aids on your boobs I would have quickly come to your rescue and said well I have earings on my nipples. Do I have earings on my nipples, no. But it wouldn't have mattered, I'd have said it anyway.