Monday, October 5, 2009

I used to rule the world...

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own.
~ ColdPlay

I started this post with the idea that I have become a shadow of my former self "sweeping the streets I used to own." If in my twenties I was the bomb than my late thirties I would be compared more to a sparkler at the very end of it's life. A couple of random sparks and then turning to a scorching hot orange light.

So I started to think about all the "hip" (stupid) things I used to do in my youth mainly as a result of lack of confidence with my body and my mind. And I thought, ya know what, I am 10 times cooler now then I was then (or at least that is what I keep telling myself). It's not that my self-doubting inner voice has stopped whispering in my ear, it's just that I don't listen any longer to what that jerk off has to say.

So as I round third base and slide into 40 I am NOT a shadow of my former self but I am rocking a grand slam version of my HOTTER vibrant orange, don't give a shit, self. So I started a list of all the things I do now that make me so cool:

For instance, unlike my twenties, I can totally hold my liquor. Sure I may break a couple of glasses (or beer bottles) in a night because I talk with my hands (thanks mom)but that just comes with the territory. And I also will attract the only homeless guy in the bar with my antics, but I am having a good time being me. Loud, sloppy, slurry, beer soaked...ME. And if that homeless guy asks me to dance then I just hope the DJ plays something from Depeche Mode or a song that encourages individual dancing.

Speaking of dancing, I now dance when EVERYONE is watching and I do it ALL OF THE TIME. And when the Hannah Montana or iCarly theme song comes on the TV at home, I know for a fact that all of Mac's friends think I am major cool because not only do I know ALL of the words but I dance while singing them outloud. Because nothing is cooler than dancing in the kitchen with an oven mitt on one hand, breaking it down like MJ. I may even demonstrate my Thriller "recital" routine.

I drive a mini-van... hells yes, much, much cooler than the red Camaro I had in my twenties. We named it "Hip Hop you don't Stop Rocking" because it was so hot. But I'll tell you what my cherry red Camaro didn't have. Automatic doors, bitches.

And while I am driving around my way hot blue mini-van, I have the radio turned up loud, rocking out some NPR. Can I give a shout out to All Things Considered...?

My music tastes are mcuh better. I keep it real and lean more towards the 80s and the 90s. But some Barbara Streisand can always pick me up. Oh and the Grease Soundtrack of course.

I order cheeseburgers and eat them without abandonment. And the only use I have for Ranch dressing is for my fries, no salads for this girl. As a result in the summer I don a tankini bathing suit with a matching skirt, top it off with a big ass straw hat with giant glasses to match. Yes, you're right I make all those young girls jealous.

At night for bed, I wear my Police t-shirt the one I bought in 07 at a Police concert. I cut out the collar so it hangs off one shoulder. So freakin awesome. Roxxannnee- you don't have to put on that the red light.

I pluck my eyebrows while waiting in the car pool line (can't beat the natural sunlight), I am a multi tasker, what can I say?

And lastly, I have MC Hammer as ring tone on my phone. And I bet "you can touch that."


Michelle said...

I am so much cooler now then I was in my twenties because I no longer leave the bar wondering where in the world has my bra gone? No joking here...really happened. Youth is overrated,...but the firm boobs and stomach that hasn't given residence to 2 babies,...that I miss!

Sher said...

The coolest thing about you now is how you can convert your introspection into side-splitting comedy. There's no way you could have done that in your 20's!