Friday, December 30, 2011

A hangover cure?

You know you have a slight problem. (Disclaimer: "Not that there is anything wrong with it.") When you check Yahoo!News and from these options, the newsworthy story you decide to find out more about is ...

*Two abortion doctors charged with murder in late-term cases
*Canadian couple welcomes 100th grandchild to family
*Missing Arkansas mother's torched car discovered in forest
*Can you cure a hangover? New attempts, old standbys
*Romney son jokes about Obama's birth certificate Iowa blogs
*Babysitter charged with murder in Indiana girl's death
*Bolivia to sell 13K tons of rice seized from American
*Gingrich gets emotional in rare personal campaign moment

Hit the brakes, well hey, actually don't because it looks like we have been given the green light to pour that 1am shot of tequila and follow it up with a corona chaser. The holy three have finally manifested themselves into a tablet called "Blowfish." And this tablet, named after a highly poisonous vertebrate (???) is claiming to do what all others have failed. A cure for hangovers?

I can't help but think, combine Blowfish with the morning after pill and you may as well be the elected a Major of DO-OVERville.
But I am intrigued, so I decided to "dive" a little deeper.

The latest concoction, "Blowfish" combines aspirin, caffeine and an antacid into an Alka-Seltzer-like effervescent tablet. When dropped into a glass of water, it fizzes up a lemony brew that packs the hangover-fighting power of two extra-strength aspirins, three espressos and a greasy breakfast. Sans the 2000 calorie, smothered, covered and scattered, ok I want to hear more...

But it gets even better. Because if wake up to find yourself in the Manhattan area, in your 2nd story loft lying on your kitchen floor with a plate of Nachos Bellgrande on your stomach and your mouth and tongue dyed bright red from the big gulp in your right hand, do not fear...if you order online you can qualify for a 60 minute delivery in Manhattan! Just select courier shipping at checkout.

Seriously, why didn't I think of this? Seriously?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Lashing out...

And then she poured acid into my eyes... and I immediately thought to myself, well no, my first thought was f**k I am blind. My second was an imagined a scenario where I quickly jumped up turned and grabbed the tech by the throat and proceeded to jam her head into my knee. So it would be my third thought, which know this is totally what I deserve for trying to save a couple thousand YEN and venture out on my own.

Let me back up.

Moving to a new city can be a challenge. From choosing the street you live on to choosing your family dentist. BUT if you have someone on the inside, someone in town that has already done the research, found the right people and places than a transition need not be as daunting. They can help you solve some of the most important questions when moving: where do I get my hair done? my nails? and where can I get a good martini,meal?

So I was one of the "rucky" ones, I had an "in", she knows who she is and without her, my transition to Japan could have been nightmarish, starting with self inflicted enemas on the Japanese toilets and ending with offending an entire restaurant because I left my chopsticks in my rice bowl. She showed me the ropes, and because of her connections I now have a "stylist" a "manicurist", a "trainer" and a freakin "mamasan." SCORE!!! Rife is good.

But soon there comes a time when that Mama bird takes off and leaves that little bird in that foreign tree and that baby bird has to leave the nest one her own, fly away or fall to the ground breaking both legs soon after becoming dinner to the closest predator.

Well it didn't take long until this bird, not only fell out of the nest but hit a couple of branches on the way down. And found her little eyes glued shut after venturing out on her own.

Eyelash extensions-1, Birdie- 0

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Please take off that Reindeer Sweater...

As we stumble head first into the Christmas season looking back over our shoulder at Thanksgiving sporting a substantial muffin top, we wonder begin to wonder how in the hell did we get here already? Don't get me wrong, I love the holiday season, the anticipation for the big guy and all that Christmas entails. However, I find myself in a cynical place when it comes to Christmas fashion. Why is it instead of rejoicing in my fellow wo/man and their Christmas "spirit" I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "take off that F*&ing reindeer sweater!!"

Some of my other pet peeves during this tacky, yet love your fellow man holiday season...

Santa hats- They look ridiculous on EVERYONE. You could put a Santa hat on a bare-chested, Matthew McC (my number one), and he could ask me to join him in Fiji for a week in his best southern drawl. But if he is wearing that velvet monstrosity upon his beautiful crown, I will have to pass on principle alone. Well, not before taking a picture as proof.

Christmas lights- Beautiful in your yard or in your house. However, your sweater should not light up, your earrings should not light up, your necklace should not light up- NOTHING. You know who you are...take that shit off and hang it on your tree.

Bells- Mildly annoying, regardless, unless in a bell tower. But these should never be on your person. Not on your shoes or tied around you waist or at the top of the Santa hat you are wearing (that my friends could earn you a punch in the face.) Plus let's face it nobody wants to hear you coming.

Let's just put it this way, you tacky pieces of shit "spirited" people, if an ELF considers it a part of their wardrobe than maybe you should NOT. Now go out and get looped on spiked egg- nog, you have my permission.

UPDATE: Accepted: Santa hats when worn to deliver good cheer, especially when worn by men delivering candy canes in the hospital to all men, women and children. Thank you guys!!!