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Do not...


Following on the heels of my last post, listing things I think it is OK to do. I have a new list to share. I admit, today I awoke just a little bit surly for my taste, a little grumpy if you will. Well actually a whole lot of grumpy, kinda like that feeling you get when you have a gift card to your favorite store and you can't find one stupid thing you like. Not sure, it could be because my coffee wasn't sweet enough this morning or because Cheese is 3 for 3 in throwing fits before and after school this week or maybe because the only muscles that don't actually hurt right now are my fingers from my demon spawn trainer. All I know is the only thing that is keeping me from a cheeseburger and a malted milkshake from Culver's is the fact that I have to put on a bathing suit in about a month, and as I round third base and slide into the big 4-0, I need to have at least one more year rocking the belly button run while sunning under the "she looks OK" cabana before letting it all go.

So here is my list of things that it is not OK to do...

1. Do not send me an email, one sentence and use capitalization like you are yelling at me. And then make it worse by leaning out a closing...Sincerely, Best,Thanks or even In Your Face, would suffice.

2. Do not show any trailers to CSI before 9pm, as there is nothing like watching Wheel of the Fortune with the kids, cut to a commercial to see a guy with his head bashed in laying dead on a baseball field. Please wait to put these commercials on after my kids are in bed.

3. And while I am at it, can you stop running the same preview of Princess Diaries and Princess Diaries Two, that says "Shut Up"... I would rather my kids say "Oh Shit",than "Shut Up".

4. Do not call me on the phone and then start playing a recording.

5. Fed Ex, do not tease leave me a note that you stopped by to deliver something and then make me wait for days before you return again. Thus creating a stalker of me as I hunt you and my package down.

6. Do not walk onto the elevator until everyone else has walked out. Come on, even my kids know this (OK they really don't, and because they don't I am "that" Mom giving "that" lecture on EVERY elevator ride.)

7. Do not tell me about how your doggie agility class is going unless I ask. And that goes for your doctor visit, your 3 hour car repair appointment or your unsatisfying grocery trip. Unless I ask.

8. Do not leave me a cryptic message on my answering machine. You have like two minutes. Hell I can leave a novella in two minutes, surely you have enough time to TELL me why you are calling.

9. Do not use my towel. If you find a towel hanging up and you didn't hang it there, then it is mine, not yours. And if you are under 12 and living in this house, do not leave your towel on the BATHROOM FLOOR.

and lastly, 10. Do not start the laundry unless you plan on... FINISHING it.