Wednesday, September 23, 2009

If I... and other conversations


If I...

If I ever traded in my Toyota mini-van for a 1992 Dodge mini-van I would sell tamales on the side of the road like the lady in the red van does each day at the entrance to my neighborhood. She sells them at 4 for a $1, but I would sell them for 5 for $1.

If I was a fly on the wall, I wouldn't be on the wall at all. I would be at the beach or somewhere better. And if I got caught inside the front window of a car, I would definitely know how to get out, especially if someone rolled the window down and started waiving their hand at me, pointing me in the right direction.

If I was Taylor Swift and Kayne West came up on stage and interrupted me during my award speech I would hit him over the head with my moon man.

If I was Obama and someone called me a liar while I was addressing Congress I would send him to the Labyrinth to be tortured by the Minotaur. See below.

Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

If I find myself every Tuesday eating Monster Cookies and Milk while watching the Biggest Loser on TV, does that make me a Big Loser?

If I open FaceBook, and open the "what's on your mind" text box and I can't think of anything to say, I don't say anything. I wish others would do that.
And if I wanted to actually play "Guess that Tune"...I would watch the Game Show Network instead of reading the stupid song lyrics you list as your status.

Other conversations...

So the family is sitting at our favorite hole in the wall Wings and Things Restaurant, we go there about every week or so to enjoy some good sloppy wings and other "things" like BEER. Cheese looks up and says "Hi I am Billy Mays, you know he is dead right?, and I want to show you my new lolly pop drinking straw." WTF? Am I totally oblivious to how much TV does my five year old actually watches. How the hell that she know A) who Billy Mays actually is/ I mean was ; B) that if anyone was going to push a lolly pop drinking straw it would be him ; and C) how did she know he kicked the bucket? Maybe leaving the PX90 Infomercial channel on before bed may have something to do with it, not sure. I am sure, however, that if I would have actually ordered PX90 I would be on day 354.

That same night at the restaurant, Mac, my serious nine year old says, "You know what would be the worst thing ever?"
Hubby says : "Somebody pulling your toenails out with pliers?"
I say : "Eating only potatoes for a year?"
Cheese says: "Having all of your hair fall out all over your body, even your arms?"
No, said Mac without cracking a smile, forgetting my camera when we go on vacation, geesh.

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