Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Privacy and Vanilla Ice Cream

Ahh, privacy. My five minute morning ritual that occurs (sometimes too quickly) after my second cup of joe. Just me and the Stars and Stripes turned to the American Roundup page while my "starving placed on a strict diet because they are too fat and if they don't diet they will end up with feline diabetes and you know who has two thumbs and is not spending my years in retirement giving them shots in the ass...this girl" cats rub up against my legs. That is what life is all about y'all.

But this morning, I thought it had to be a joke. Did the guys from TheOnion.com ninja their way way into the Stars and Stripes last night and decided to mix that shit up. Either that or I need to get back to the U.S. as you people are going all sorts of crazy. Forget those bland vanilla news stories of the past for you American boneheads are on your second serving of Sweatty Balls ice cream covered with dickies and hot fudge.

I'll recap today's paper...

3 Women "victims" of unwanted toe sucking-
(enter screeching sound here) Seriously, how does one become a victim of toe sucking?

Theft suspect sends victim a friend request
Thief steals a cell phone then, sends the owner of said cell phone a friend request on FaceBook. She recognizes him as the dude who stole her phone and calls the cops. Score 2,001 for the combination of social media and idiots.

Burger joint sued for having small booths
A man is suing White Castle because the booths are too small for him to fit.
Is this not obvious??

Rabid dead bat found in store's Halloween aisle
Question: Would it be as newsworthy if it was found in July?