Sunday, November 1, 2009

Only in America...

You can tell a lot about a child if you watch them go through their Halloween candy. Some are impulsive and they just dump it on the floor and start pumping it right into their mouths. Some are more methodological and tend to group by texture; chocolate here, chocolate with nuts there, Smarties over there, etc. Me, well I was just greedy, I would first separate into like piles and count them incase anyone thought of sneaking a piece. Later I would create separate "trading" piles for those candies that I just didn't care for...Mounds and Almond Joy come to mind. I would then dupe my little brother into making unfair trades. "Hey bro" I'll trade you these TWO Bit O'Honey's for your stale full size Snicker bar." And like a hobo to a hot dog he would take the deal. Fortunately, he was more of a quantity than quality kind of kid.

So last night after the dust had settled and the kids pumped and dumped, traded and discarded, and of course, left all of their wrappers in the middle of the living room, I was making my last pass through. OK I admit, I was scouring the heap for any remaining Twix bars that I may have previously overlooked. Heading into the corner of room and I what do I see but bright orange bag of "Halloween Pretzels" staring up at me. Poor things were tossed aside like a 7th grade boyfriend. It was obvious they did not stand a chance against the likes of the sour War Heads, Milky Ways or even the less preferred Tootsie Rolls. So I bent down to pick them up and OUCH! something cut my finger. Don't panic it wasn't a razor blade, although that would be a great story. If that happened I would so immediately go out and buy a monocle, a deerhat and a small flashlight and hunt the neighborhood for the sicko. Instead imagine my disappointment when I realized that I had been sliced by a staple. A stinkin staple attached to this card:


Disclaimer: First let me say, bankruptcy is nothing to make light of, and I completely emphasize with anyone in such a horrible situation.

That being said, even without a degree in sales and marketing, I would have been a little more inventive. I mean staple your card to a Pay Day or a 100 Grand Bar, at least you would earn a little slice of respect for making a joke. Sure your way worked you are a tricky one you little bankruptcy guru, I did find your card. But what exactly did you think would go down from here? "Hey look honey, I have been looking for someone to handle our bankruptcy, I am so glad we sent the kids out to trick or treat tonight, we can look no further. Because anyone that is crafty enough to staple their business card to a bag of pretzels and hand out to small children on Halloween, that is DEFINITELY the douche bag that I am going to trust to take care of my outstanding debt." "Oh and look, if we refer someone we can get a $10 gift card." I mean, seriously???

And I know exactly who I can refer to our Bankruptcy neighbors...the lazy ass that drove through the neighborhood at 3mph on Halloween night "alongside" her three small kids. She was "parenting" from the heated leather front seat of her giant SUV. I mean, obviously both her legs must have been broken or otherwise she would be WALKING WITH HER CHILDREN like the rest of us.

Kids, this happens only in America...


The girl with the flour in her hair said...

Seriously? Seriously?

I don't know what's worse...the woman driving her car alongside her kids or the card.

Wow. Amazing. Halloween just keeps getting scarier and scarier.

Charisse and Holly said...

Wow...that is my favorite part. The whole walking with the kids, seeing their excitement, reminding them to say thank you, stealing their candy right from the bag as we walk in the dark:) Good times people...good times. Come on by sometime...Holly at

Uptown Girl said...

The main reason I want to have kids someday is for the Halloween candy treasure trove. It must be the best moment in a mom's year.
I used to hoard KitKats and Reese's. KitKats for me, and Reese's for my mom. To bribe my mom to let me stay up extra late eating KitKats!

What an odd way to advertise bankruptcy. The business must be going bankrupt... just a guess.