Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Awkward Silence...

Wordle: Untitled
A repost...
Those of you who watch Seinfeld will completely understand. But do you remember the episode when every time Kramer would hear Leeza Gibbons' voice on Entertainment Tonight and he would go into convulsions, his whole body would spasm and he would eventually black out? Well that is what happens to me when I find myself 3 seconds into an awkward group silence.

I go crazy bananas, I can feel my eye twitching, my mouth gets drys and barely six seconds will pass before I find myself blurting out something ridiculous like "you know I am wearing band aids on my nipples because I couldn't find a clean bra to wear." You see, I would rather say something completely self depreciating than stand there sliding deeper and deeper into an abyss like silence.

And tonight at a dinner party I had to trudge my way through about a dozen of these awkward, silent pauses. I mean seriously, out of eight educated, employed, relatively bright adults, you would think that one person could find something interesting to say. For God sakes, A-N-Y-THING, a grunt, a burp or even some gas would have at least cut the silence, if only for a moment.

So as you can imagine I found myself teetering on the edge of insanity and full disclosure. With every silent pause I came closer and closer to accidentally blurting out my truths...starting with the fact that sometimes I pee in the shower when I am really tired in the morning (OK that only happened once...maybe twice) and ending with the fact that I haven't washed my hair in 6 days. Could someone please save me from going down that dirty yellow brick road of no return? Argh...

Fortunately it didn't get that bad, I did leave with my dignity and my bra intact. But I wanted to gouge my eyes out with my oven cooked, well done, crispy charred steak. And that's all I have to say about that.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Do you see happy?

How often do you stop, think and say out loud, "I am happy."

Just a random, life is great moment that sidles up quietly and tap, tap, taps you on the shoulder when you least expect it. It can happen in your car, standing at the ATM, or enjoying a cold corona and lime on your back porch. Always unexpected but truly appreciated, and all you want to do with that moment is tell someone about it without sounding like a pompous ass or like you have been drinking wine secretly in your diet coke can.

I seem to be having those moments more and more. (Disclaimer: Karma if you are reading, please move on, I am sure you have more important points to make).

Does appreciation for the small things come with age? Does it rear its head only when there is enough free time to receive it and recognize it? Or does it come with comfort? Good health? Money? Good friends?

Enquiring minds want to know...

Friday, January 18, 2013


At the gym today I was reading a June 2008 Glamour Magazine. I am not sure what that reflects more poorly on, the fact that my gym that still has 2008 magazines or the fact that I chose a 2008 Glamour instead of the most recent National Geographic Mag. Admittingly, after forgetting my Ipod, I would have read a copy of New England Journal of Medicine if that was all there was, ANYTHING to take my mind off both the monotony and the pain of walking "uphill" on that damn treadmill.

So in this issue, they had a page dedicated to things it's OK to do without feeling guilty. So to keep my mind off the task at hand (or as I like to call it, project ass shrink) I came up with a list of my own.

Like I think it's OK to...

...when someone compliments your shirt, tell them the price and that it came from Target.

...order both a beer and a carafe of Saki at dinner, I know two drinks at once, pretty empowering, but those Saki bombs aren't going to make themselves.

...wear blue eyeliner or blue mascara or both.

...tell someone your dress is "vintage" even if its not and you purchased it from TJ Maxx last week.

...say "shit" in front of your kids. You wouldn't say it unless you meant it.

...leave the last sip of beer in your glass, we're not in college anymore, no need to chug.

...weep while watching Extreme Home Makeover or that damn commercial with Sarah McLaughlin and the ASPCA.

...tip 15% instead of 20%.

...change you hair color.

...use the word "shart" in a sentence. Like, I shart while in yoga class.

...avoid the airplane rows that have babies in them. Been there done that.

...go to the beach and NOT get into the ocean.

...think that Zac Efron is hot, even though he could be your son.

...sing out loud with air guitar.

...order the house wine.

...defriend people on FaceBook and in real life.

...spend more money on a pair of sunglasses than on your kids clothes.

...carry a purse that's bigger than your head. (That one is for hubby.) In your face.

...take pictures of everything and everyone.

and's OK to...order fries with everything.